Our sad little lives, your comic relief.


RTBS says:
Tue Jan 2 08:07:51 2001
RTBS enters the Bronze, but his Bronzer buds can immediately tell that something is amiss. Perhaps it has something to do with the 'I Love Pikachu!'? t-shirt and teletubby slippers he's wearing and the fact that he's carrying Britney Spears through the threshold of the Bronze as one would carry a new bride.

RTBS then proceeds over to the Bar to order himself a glass of Perrier water, because he LOVES anything from France since it is the greatest nation on earth in his estimation. OzLady, as one of many Bronzers noting something wrong with RTBS, goes over to speak to Britney about it.

OzLady "Um, Britney? Have you noticed something different about RTBS?"

BS "Absolutely! Isn't it wonderful?"

OzLady "Um, not really. What did you do to him?"

BS "Well, after buying Justin Timberlake that $35,000 watch, I swung by the magic shop and picked up an Orb of Thessula. A little help from my witch-playing friend Melissa Joan Hart and viola! Brand new Ruffy! An Orb of Thessula is not just for restoring souls, if you know what I mean."

Britney winks at OzLady as she grabs RTBS by the hand and heads towards the door.

BS "Come on Ruffy. You promised to take me to the Gap."

RT "Coming Dark Mistress."

BS "Shhh! didn't I say not to call me that in public?"

RT - "Sorry oh magnificent one."

BS - "That's better."

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:17:22 2001 11)
Well, apart from his RIGHTness about the BBS (ALIVE), there seems to be some disturbance in the force around RTBS. It may be necessary to shock his system. Maybe getting him to think of Alyson Hannigan dressed up as EvilWillow will do the trick.

Cosmic Bob says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:22:10 2001 2)
Narrator: I'm not sure that Evil Willow will be enough for RTBS this time. We may need both Evil Willow and Fuzzy Willow. On a trampoline. But he is clearly right about the BBS.

belmont says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:24:40 2001

a few end of year interviews "exposing" the pop princess and RTBS is all whipped. wonder what would happen if she ever did maxim or stuff.

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:27:19 2001 11)
Narrator goes to the Bronze FX closet and brings out the Anything You Want the Buffy Characters to Do Projector 4 She aims it at the special screen behind the bar and starts it up. She grabs RTBS and has him sit in on of the comfy couches so he can watch.

There, on the screen, is EvilWillow and FuzzyWillow. EvilWillow is, of course, in leather. Fuzzy Willow is, well, in something fuzzy and pink. They are on a trampoline. There is much bouncing.

Suddenly, Eliza, all dressed in leather, joins them. She is ... Oops, wrong fantasy..

OzLady says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:42:53 2001 78)
RTBS: You tell that Pop Tart that I don't need to be in shape to kick her keister! I want my old Ruffy back - dark, sardonic, full of the whiskey of human unkindness! You tell that two-bit hooker-wannabe that she'd better step down and make you right or she will have ME to contend with!

Leather Jacket says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:43:46 2001 35)
Okay, everyone! We're going to need volunteers to have sex with RTBS until we find that one person who can make him happy and get him back to normal. The line forms over here by the bar. Please, no pushing.

OzLady says:
(Tue Jan 2 08:52:24 2001 78)
Leather Jacket: Oh, I would definitely be in that line if I weren't 100% sure that Mrs. RTBS would kill me. Twice. (Not to mention that Dr. Mr. OzLady might raise a mild objection! *g*)

willa says:
(Tue Jan 2 09:02:13 2001 55)
RTBS: oh, ruffy. whatever has that little tramp done to you? the mister and i are moving to the west coast. somewhere around a very large bay. and some winerys. and stuff. we'll chat some during pbp weekend, i'm sure. *smooch*

Cosmic Bob says:
(Tue Jan 2 13:33:53 2001 2)
Narrator I have sent what I hope will be a cure on to RTBS. Either that or it will kill him. It's too dangerous to post it here though.

Safarigirl says:
(Tue Jan 2 09:11:52 2001 2)
Oh Jiminy!

Somebody get poor RTBS some anti-Britney intervention - STAT!

Although she is furiously whupped, Safarigirl hip checks the Evil Pop Tart as she's leaving with the brainwashed RTBS. She follows up with a high stick and pins Britney against the boards.

"Alright, hand it over!"

Britney begins to sob, although she should know by now that crocodile tears and a quarter won't even get you a phone call in the Bronze...

"Aww, come on. I'm so tired of him pushing me around...can't I have some fun for once?"


grins. It's not a pretty sight.

"Let me think about it...No." With that, the Jedi Master pries the Orb of Thessula out of the Pop Tart's hand and smashes against the floor.

Across the room, RTBS spring to life. Of course, thanks to the WRONG! One, Narrator, he's not the only thing springing in the Bronze...


RTBS and Best Friend Britney says:
(Tue Jan 2 13:34:16 2001)
RTBS follows Britney Spears back into the Bronze. He's carrying several GAP bags as well as a Pizza that the Pop Princess had him pick up along the way. Britney sees the concerned Bronzers that have tried to come up with a way of restoring Ruffy's soul now and with an evil gleam in her eye she turns to address some of them.

Leather Jacket- Somehow, I expected you to be the one to bring up sex. Sadly though, that won't work as one true moment of happiness is only good for LOSING one's soul. NOT regaining it. Sorry.

Narrator Sorry. That won't work either. You see, he'd have to have a soul to appreciate the inferior bounciness (inferior to me that is) of Leather Willow and Fuzzy Willow. Or even a fuzzy, leather Faith. He thinks I'm the bomb and he needs no other hotties in his life. I'm sure they other boys, er men in the Bronze were entertained though.

Belmont Those salacious exposure pieces have nothing to do with this. I stole his friggin soul! Hahahaha. Oh, and I'd never pose in Maxim. Not for what they're paying.

OzLady Two things, dearie. One, do you really think I'd bring the REAL Orb of Thessula to the Bronze with me? That was a snowglobe of Des Moines you just broke. Besides, I'm not sure breaking it would free him anyway. I'll have to ask Melissa Joan about that one.

Willa I'm sure Ruffy will look forward to catching up with you in LA. That is if I let him speak to anyone. I'm thinking of attending and if I do, then he'll certainly have no time for anyone but me and my needs.

Seeing RTBS raise his hand, Britney allows him to speak

"First of all, thanks to she who rules all for letting me speak.

"Second, I just want to say to my friends that you don't need to try to restore my soul. I mean, look at me now. I listen to Britney Spears all day at my job, which by the way, I truly, truly love. I'm enjoying Pokemon and teletubbies, and Christina Aguilerra and Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson, though they hold no candle to Britney Jo Spears - the single most talented performer in the history of the world.

'Thirdly, while waiting for the new episodes to arrive, I've been wondering when Joss and Company are really going to give the viewers what they want. MORE BUFFY. When I say that, I mean, more screen time for Sarah Michelle Gellar. Tony Head, Nick Brendon, Alyson Hannigan? Don't need em! The show is called BUFFY isn't it? Let's get rid of these fringe characters who only drag the show down. If they can find a way to keep Xander around as Buffy's sex toy, great. Otherwise, I really think killing Willow, Giles, Xander, and Joyce would really give Buffy some emotional issues she'd have to deal with. Wouldn't that be all poigniant and angsty? On further review, kill off Xander too. Spike can be Buffy's sex toy, because I think he'd be a much better character as a defanged fluffy carebear who greets the Slayer at home after a hard nights work with a dinner and a kiss. How funny would that be?"

Seeing Britney getting up to leave, RTBS throws himself on the floor to prevent the Pop Princess from stepping into some coffee that was spilled earlier. He gets up and bounds out the door after her, singing a happy, happy tune!

OzLady says:
(Tue Jan 2 13:50:11 2001 8)
Britney/ RTBS: Look, bitca, it was Safarigirl who broke your freakin' fake Orb, not me! Are you too stupid to tell a tall blonde from a short reddish head? I was the one who said she would kick your @ss. And I still will; I want my Ruffy back!!!

Narrator, Cosmic Bob: Pssst!If we killed RTBS, I think we could get off on a euthanasia defense. It's like putting a lame horse out of its misery!

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 13:56:58 2001 11)
Amberlynne -- Well, RTBS was once a beloved member of the Bronze Community.
He died after The Wish, having seen Willow in leather. There was a revivication ceremony, though, which brought him back to life.

This summer he correctly pointed out that the Bible permits us to take slaves from our neighboring countries. He inspired many of the American Bronzers to invade Canada and get some slaves. (As long as we were there, we got H*ttie ones.) He did not come with us, but did ask that we bring him back Kristy Swanson. We couldn't find her so we gave him Britney Spears, who was there on tour at the time. He has treated Britney with disdain. (Odd, since his name could mean "Really Taken with Britney Spears." But I digress.) He cannot give her away for fear of being a "regifter."

Apparently the Britney bitca has done something to RTBS and he is quite clearly not himself.

We have tried several methods to restore RTBS, apparently without success.

So, we may have to kill him.

And Britney too, of course.

OzLady, Cosmic Bob: And killing Britney Spears would be justifiable homicide.

Leather Jacket says:
Britney Spears, the Rogue Taming Bimbo Slut : Actually, according to my Orb of Thessulah handbook, a moment of pure happiness counters the effects of all Orb of Thessulah ceremonies. And I'm sure somewhere in the Bronze, there's someone who can make RTBS happy. You obviously aren't. Hah! Neener!

Polgara says:
(Tue Jan 2 14:02:37 2001)
OzLady Do those euthanasia defenses actually work?

Narrator Thanks for the refresher, I'd forgotten that we'd retrieved Britney Spears for RTBS during the invasion. Guess I was too busy with Christian Marc other things.

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 14:10:21 2001 11)
Polgara: Yes, you distracted everyone nicely when you utilized your handcuffs and caramel.

Polgara2, OzLady1: All legal defenses work great with me. I got Closet Buffyholic off death row after she was framed by her Office Supplies, after all. Even though she never paid me.

Cosmic Bob : Let's not be timid, man!!! If we cannot save RTBS using conventional weapons we must use the secret weapons. Or kill him.

Amberlynne : Sad. Until you confessed fandom you seemed like such a nice person. *g*

Bastion Ridley says:
(Tue Jan 2 14:15:07 2001)
What the hell happened to RTBS? The one thing that can restore him....I'm betting Karaoke...to "Oops, I did it again"...while wearing a Briteny Spear outfit...shocking, outrageous, but it might just work.......

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 14:44:59 2001 11)
Closet Buffyholic? "Pro bono" means NOTHING to me. You did not italicize it. It means NOTHING. The Office Supplies would freeze iffn they came up here. Or be lost in snow drift. And did you see that RTBS is now a mindless drone of Britney Spears? Poor boy. We may not be able to save him. In which case we'll have to kill him to put him out of his misery. Check on the Office Supplies' availability, will you?

DarkLady says:
Now, I'm going to investigate this mysterious RTBS situation. Because NO ONE, not even Brittney Spears, Product of the Mattel corporation, messes with the Peanut Butter Princess' Ruffy.

Polgara says:
(Tue Jan 2 15:34:29 2001)
Narrator Spooky Mulder. I had a version of that quote in my original post, but took it out 'cause I was afraid of mangling it too badly. As it turns out, I was right. *g* And just so I'm clear on this, we're killing RTBS because his life as it currently stands isn't worth living, and Amberlynne for being a BS fan. Don't you think we could take care of both issues by only taking one life, that of the she-monster herself? Seems to me it would negate both issues.

Closet Buffyholic: Would that method of persuasion fall under "extortion" or "blackmail"? I always confuse the two.

Narrator says:
(Tue Jan 2 15:46:48 2001 11)
Polgara? You mean you want us to kill only Britney? Oh, I don't like that. I think we have to kill RTBS to save him (I mean this worked so well during Vietnam -- destroying a village to save it). And Amberlynne appears to be a member of the cult. We should save her by killing her too.

DarkLady says:
(Tue Jan 2 16:06:25 2001 5)
Polgara, Narrator you can't kill Britney until whatever she's done to RTBS is reversed. Myself I am suspecting that the so-called Orb of Thessula she used wasn't a Thessulan orb at all but some other variety shuddup 'stina

Know you not fear? You will....you will.....