Our sad little lives, your comic relief.


RTBS and his best friend Britney says:
(Wed Jan 3 07:33:44 2001)
RTBS enters the Bronze pulling a small chariot carrying the Princess of Pop Britney Spears.

"Hey Bronzer buds. Another beautiful day, isn't it? I've got three reports and a conference call today and I couldn't be happier. Wow. I love this day. I love my job. I love my boss. But mostly, I love Britney!

"It's come to my attention that some of you (Narrator, Closet Buffyholic, DarkLady, OzLady, Cosmic Bob among others)think that you'd be doing me a favor by killing me. Your under some sort of bizarre impression that I've lost my soul and that killing me and bringing me back from the dead would restore that so-called lost soul. For the record, let me state that even though they brought me back from the dead once, those were extreme circumstances. It's highly unlikely that it would work again. But, if you feel you must kill me...

"I regret I have but one life to give for my Britney.


Yesterday, someone had question on the board about who is better - Sarah Michelle Gellar or Kristy Swanson. Well duh! It's SMG! Kristy Swanson is a two-bit hack actress who never played a decent role in her life. Besides, who'd even want to act opposite her? Especially in a love scene, I mean, EW! I wouldn't go to McDonald's with her.

deadguy As for your question of the day, I happen to think the entire cast with the exception of Giles has the WORST fashion sense. I mean, if you're not wearing wool and tweed and plaid and vests with cufflinks, then you've got no style whatsoever. Put Buffy in tweed and watch those ratings soar!

At Britney's command RTBS picks up the chariot harness and heads out the door, humming his favorite song

"It's a world of laughter,
A world of tears,
It's a world of hope,
It's a world of fears,
Those so much that we share,
That it's time we're aware,
It's a small world after all.

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 07:35:46 2001 2)
RTBS: Don't leave! You are the only one that can protect me. They are after us both! If we stick together, we can survive.

can you introduce me to Britney? :)

Cosmic Bob says:
(Wed Jan 3 07:38:22 2001 2)
*sigh* It looks like it's time for the big guns. All you easily damaged folks should duck and cover. This could be fatal. Salvo number one coming up after board change.

Britney Spears: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead and keep trying to oppress RTBS. It won't be much fun oppressing a dead man.

Narrator : Things are going to get out of control. They're going to get out of control and we'll be lucky to escape with our lives.

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 07:49:22 2001 11)
Alas Poor RTBS. I knew him well. Well, not well, but I knew him a little. It's a shame to see this with any man. But especially one in retail with the government.

Cosmic Bob - Yes, we will be forced to quote Tom Clancy novels/movies.

Amberlynne - You should hide.

Amberlynne - Fans of Britney Spears, like those of *NSYNC/BSB (which is really one group of guys) are usually too far gone to save. Extermination is generally the only option. Quite humane, actually.

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:00:33 2001 2)
Narrator: Now wait just a minute! I may be seduced by the dark side of Pop but I enjoy lots of other music as well. I have a very eclectic collection and it is just not right to judge, jury and execute me over a few minor lapses in taste. I mean, doesn't my obession with BtVS make up for some of my music mistakes?

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:17:05 2001 11)
Narrator then unveils her effort to save RTBS from the Evil Pop Tart: Giant posters of Kristy Swanson. They are placed in strategic positions throughout the Bronze, as well as at RTBS' place of work and at his home. "Mrs. RTBS has graciously allowed such cheesecake in her castle because of the dire nature presented by her husband's insanity."

Amberlynne : No. This is war.

Darklady says:
A crowd of anxious Bronzers mills about on the floor. All of them have come, some from great distances, to try and save their dear friend RTBS from a fate worse than death: worshipping Britney Spears.

DarkLady jumps up on the stage and approaches the microphone. Also on the stage is an overhead projector. A pile of transparencies sit next to the projector, and next to the pile of transparencies sits Eiddileg . DL taps on the microphone and then clears her throat to address the Bronze.

"My fellow Bronzers, I come before you in a time of great need. As most of you know, yesterday morning a poster shaped like RTBS appeared in the Bronze carrying Britney Spears." {she nods to Eiddileg, who puts a transparency of a stick figure carrying an even thinner stick figure up on the projector} "This person was devoting himself to her needs and keeping silent in her presence. And then this morning..." {she gubuttons and chokes for a minute...} "Well, you all saw what happened this morning. Many of you came to the same conclusion as I: This is not our Muffy's Ruffy ."

{Eiddileg places another transparency on the screen. It shows two stick figures, one with an arrow saying "Willow-whipped RTBS" and the other with a big international symbol for "no" - a red circle with a line over the other stick figure, labelled "Britney-whipped RTBS"}

DL continues, "The question we are all asking ourselves is: How did this travesty happen?

After careful investigation and much consultation, I have narrowed the possibilities down to two."

{new transparency, a crudely drawn circle with lines all around it. DL stops and frowns at the drawing and turns to Eiddileg , "What are those lines?" Eiddileg blinks for a moment, "Unholy power spewing forth from the Orb." "Oh."}

"Fact number one: yesterday morning Britney claimed to have used an Orb of Thessula on RTBS to remove his soul." {next transparency: uberskinny stick figure holding the circle while all sorts of green stuff oozes out of the mouth of the other stick figure. DL raises her eyebrow at Eiddileg, who shrugs and says "Living Conditions."} "Britney also claimed her friend Melissa Joan Hart hebutted her with this ritual." {new transparency: tiny stick figure and another almost identical tiny stick figure with pointed witches hats on gathered around a cauldron} "But as we know from "Angel" AYNOHYEB there are many kinds of orbs shuddup 'stina. WHAT are the odds that Britney found an actual Orb of Thessula?" Many in the crowd growl in assent. "We believe it is possible that a different kind of Orb was used."

"Another important fact to note is Britney's origins." {new transparency: what looks like an assembly line churning out the uberskinny stick figures} "Despite suggestions that Britney is in fact a product of the Mattel corporation, the fact is that Britney is American." {new transparency: Uberskinny stick figure saluting before an American flag} "This could be the source of the problems.

Last summer during the Canadian Hottie Invasion" {new transparency of what looks like a small brick building blown to smithereens} "having failed to locate Kristy Swanson as he requested, the Invaders brought Britney Spears back and gave her to RTBS." {new transparency: five male-looking stick figures with scary facial hair, each with one arm raised in the air. DL stops and glowers at Eiddileg as squeals of delight and whispers of "FPA" circulate through the Bronze. Eiddileg quickly switches to the next transparency, which shows the uberskinny stick figure being dragged away from a Canadian maple leaf towards a husk of corn}

"Britney however, is not Canadian. Which means she cannot even under biblical law be made a slave by a fellow member of her nation. Could this mean the wrath of The Powers That Be has fallen on Ruffy? {new transparency: the RTBS stick figure lying on the ground in agony surrounded by some indistinguishable puddle. Eiddileg quickly reaches over and draws an arrow to the puddle that says "Wrath."}

"We see two options to restoring RTBS to the version 1.0 that we all miss. We'll need two teams. The First Team will go find Melissa Joan Hart and torture her - ahem - convince her to tell us exactly what spell she used and what kind of Orb was involved.

The Second Team will investigate by singing some karoake until they learn of a ritual or challenge for the Invaders to face in order to cleanse the sin of giving an American to another American to hold in hard bondage drink, oops, sorry wrong game so that Ruffy will be restored unto us. Meanwhile a special team will remain here to keep an eye on Britney."

At this moment Britney appears on the scene, being pulled in a rickshaw by a haggard RTBS. He nearly collapses before helping Britney step out of the rickshaw and towards one of the comfy couches. As Britney approaches, MeeB snarls and Britney backs away from the couch towards a less possessed seat. RTBS sways behind her and she pouts. "I don't know why you're so tired. You got to sleep for that whole hour I was taking a shower this morning." RTBS manages to stay upright just long enough to hold out Britney's chair before slumping onto the ground. Obviously the unnatural strain is taking its toll.

A wave of fury goes through DL. She calls out from the stage, "Volunteers please form two lines for the two teams. And let's remember people, the sanity of RTBS and indeed the very tenuous grip on sanity of most Bronzers depends upon our success. May the Schwartz be with you!"

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:20:09 2001 2)
begins to talk to herself..

Well, just great. I've been here two days and they are already asking for my head. I will not cry. I will not cry.


Leather Jacket says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:20:22 2001 35)
Leather Jacket dashes behind the bar and retrieves a large box wrapped in green and blue and gold wrapping paper. He hands it to the Pop Tart, Britney Spears (who can't seem to spell Brittany, but I digress).

BS's eyes grow huge, "For me?" she gasps, with a hand to her heart, then eyes narrowing, a thought dawns on her. "I thought you didn't like me."

"Well, RTBS is one of my bestest friends here, and he idolizes you so, so I wanted to give you something."

"What is it?" she asks

"Open it and find out," LJ replies.

Giddy as a schoolgirl (okay, that's not much of a stretch), Britney bounces up and down, silicon cleavage of death flopping in the air, as she tears through the glittery wrapping paper.

We pause here so that Narrator can throw water on Cosmic Bob.

The Mad Bomber's Assistant says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:30:53 2001 2)
Aly sees that RTBS has been affected, but Britney Spears is still influencing him. "Hey Brits, watch this." Aly turns her brown eyes back to RTBS, "Ruffy," she calls coquetishly, "oh Ruffy, want a bite of this apple? Yes, there is an apple there if you look close enough. That oughta do it. And no, I'm not Satan, so keep that thought to yourselves."

Leather Jacket says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:33:30 2001 35)
Leather Jacket has given Britney Spears, Pop Tart Princess, a large gift-wrapped box. She has torn through the wrapping, which RTBS is dutifully picking up, flattening out and putting aside for recycling. BS opens the box and the gleeful smile drops into a grimace.

"It's ... it's ... " She's unable to finish the sentence.

"It's tweed," LJ explains.

"It's a muumuu!" she cries. "I'm not wearing a muumuu!"

RTBS looks into the box. "Ooh, tweed. That's very nice. Thank you, Leather Jacket," he says with an expressionless face. "Put it on, my darling songstress."

Britney groans, but is too late, for RTBS has already lifted the tweed muumuu out of the box and is wrapping it around her. "You look beautiful," he exclaims.

"It itches," the pop tart whines.

"Everyone should wear tweed." LJ smiles.

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:36:14 2001 11)
Narrator douses Cosmic Bob. To his furious glare, she points to Leather Jacket: "He made me do it. Besides, you were overheating."

Narrator then turns to DarkLady, chair of the Soul Restoration Project.

"While I applaud your efforts to save RTBS from the Pop Tart, I disagree with your assessment that she was not properly made a Slave during our invasion of Canada. The Bible, as RTBS told us, says we can get our slaves from our neighboring countries. The Pop Tart was in Canada at the time. She was there of her own volition; we did not kidnap her or trick her into going to Canada, as others. (As I recall, poor Marc Blucas and ASH were pretty much dragged across the border.)

"I fear that the Invasion is being used as a red herring to keep us from discovering the true source of this Evil.

"Still, if others want to check it out with TPTB, Okey-dokey by me."

Narrator then wheels a trampoline into the Bronze. Bouncing on it are Evil Willow in leather (and lots of it), Fuzzy Willow and Nearly Nekkid Willow (from the pages of FHM Magazine - see link in Cosmic Bob's post).

"Oh, RTBS", they call out seductively in unison, "want to join us?"

There seems, yes, a flicker in RTBS's eyes (not Narrator's Eyes).

MeeB says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:49:28 2001)
MeeB rises from her place on the couch, glaring at the Pop Tart to be sure she knows that MeeB's seat on the comfy couch is always MeeB's seat. She nods at DarkLady and heads for the HazMat Utility Closet. She rummages around inside for quite a few minutes. . . Narrator rolls her eyes and starts tapping her foot impatiently. Finally, MeeB emerges dressed in a black covert ops outfit with matching weaponry accessories. She's also holding a thick dusty tome titled Great Orbs of the Mystical World and You: Don't Spell Without It!. She nods at DarkLady again. . . .

"I'll volunteer to help as best I can. . . if only to keep RTBS from posting that damn 'Small World' song again. I think my skills would be best used on the Melissa Joan Hart torture fact-finding mission. It's the Orb thing, you know."

She waits for others to join the team . . . . .

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 08:56:28 2001 2)
wonders if they caught groovinator before he got away, maybe they could sacrifice him to the "loser who needs to stir up trouble to feel like a man because his winkie is tiny" Gods to get some more power for the fight to save RTBS...

RTBS and his best friend Britney says:
(Wed Jan 3 09:21:38 2001)

RTBS steps back into the Bronze and looks around.

"What are all these posters of that hag Kristy Swanson doing here? This just will NOT do. It will NOT do at all."

He begins whistling the theme to the Brady Bunch as he removes posters of Kristy Swanson and begins replacing them with posters of Britney.

Leather Jacket Well, the tweed is swell, but only the finest silk, weaved with pure gold thread is good enough to touch the fair skin of dear Britney. With that, RTBS gets a package from the rickshaw that he hands to Britney. They both duck into one of the Bronze changing rooms, and a few minutes later Britney emerges dressed like a greek goddess and RTBS emerges wearing THE TWEED MUUMUU!

Cosmic Bob Well, I'm sure you're posting pictures of that tart Alyson Hannigan. Lucky for me my internet filter at work prevents me from looking at such filth. The only goddess mine eyes should be focused on is my beloved Britney!

KAM You're right. I shouldn't look at those. And I won't. Nothing must divert my attention from my beloved Britney.

Cosmic Bob and Leather Jacket Don't see the Phantom. Whoever thought of putting Kristy Swanson and Catherine Zeta Jones in the same film. Ick! Talk about double dreck! Especially when they were fighting each other. Who wants to see that?

DarkLady Don't be hard on the Canadian Hottie Invasion Planning Commission. They were only doing what the Bible says they could do. As Britney was in Canada at the time, that made her eligible for capture. Now I know at one time I complained, nay, even whined about getting Britney instead of Kristy Swanson. Now I have seen the light. I have come to my senses in realizing that the gift of Britney was truly the greatest gift of all. I only wish you could all share in the love.

Amberlynne YOU are now my new bestest Bronzer Bud! Don't let these people sway you away from the truth and joy and purity that is Britney.

Britney sees that RTBS is somewhat distracted by all the Aly -ness that's about the Bronze.

BS: "Oh Ruffy? "

RT: "Yes oh glorious one?"

BS: "Stop staring at the children. You have a conference call you have to be on and then it's time for my foot rub."

The thought of more time-wasting, useless work AND getting to rub the Teen Queen's feet is enough to turn RTBS attention away from Aly . He bounds out the door in his tweed muumuu singing....

You light up my life,
You make me feel whole....

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 09:32:15 2001 2)
RTBS: Umm..as much as I appreciate your accepting me into your world, I am going to have to decline right now. backs away slowly... I think it is too dangerous to be near you right now. Maybe after you have been saved, we can chat! runs and hides behind a couch...

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 09:37:57 2001 11)
MeeB Narrator, Circe and CBinA are preparing to leave for their mission when MEagle EyesB sees something on Narrator's outfit.

"Take that button off" MeeB instructs.

"What button?"

"THAT button!!"

"Oh, that button", said Narrator. "That's just my Max+Liz4eva button. I thought as long as we were all Black Ops, we could kill the Roswell writers and producers and take over the show. I know just how to fix it ...."

"We are trying to save RTBS, not Roswell."

"But EARS is such a H*ttie. I think we should save him, too. He's in worse shape than RTBS"

Get DarkLady, loki and Lovely Poet for that," MeeB snarled. "I am not taking time hunting for the Great White Whale."

Little Willow says:
(Wed Jan 3 09:42:45 2001)
(LW walks by KAM & Cate. "If Ty King were to write an Angel episode, I'd be happy. Perhaps he could do away with an annoying character..."

LW then waves to the ROSWELL group. "Such potential, but such a writing rollercoaster. A takeover could begin with a lovely crossover. Perhaps Dawn is the fifth alien. button, button, who's got the button?") y

Amberlynne says:
(Wed Jan 3 09:48:32 2001 2)
crawls out from behind her hiding couch...

Suzanne: Yes, I am new. And thank you! Its nice to meet you, too. Please remember that when they turn on me after they have killed RTBS. My time here could be short lived!

grabs a package of Zingers for a snack and crawls back behind the couch...

Safarigirl says:
(Wed Jan 3 10:06:13 2001 2)
*URK!* Scroll then post, scroll then post...

Having belatedly realized that a) the Canadian H*ttie Invasion Team, her own natural enemies, are actually working towards a worthwhile goal for once, and that b) RTBS is still in dire need of saving, Safarigirl decides to let bygones be bygones for the time being.

With a snap of her fingers, she is clad in her flowing Jedi robes. She walks over to where Evil Leather VampWillow is standing over the terrified Britney, looking for all the world like a hound about to finish off a rabbit.

A killer rabbit. Perhaps a Holy Hand Grenade can be found in the HazMat/Utility Closet?

In any case, La Spears is finally in her rightful position - cowering before a greater power. Safarigirl taps VampWillow on the shoulder.

The Leather One gives her a snarl.

"Here," says the Jedi Master, not at all fazed. "Want this? It's guaranteed effective."

She hands VampWillow her glowing, amber lightsaber.

The vampire accepts it with a smile and raises it with both hands. She looks, for an instant, like a Boris Vallejos fantasy art painting, almost...something that might be titled "Willow's Revenge", perhaps.

The point of the saber is poised directly over Britney's heart. It hovers there for an instant, then begins it's final descent...

Pink Leather Pants says:
(Wed Jan 3 10:16:48 2001 10)
in a darkened room in Sunnydale's seedy hotel, a terrible, anguished conversation is taking place...

I hoped to stop it. But I see now that it was arranged to be so.

RTBS loves her.

And now he will have to kill Britney.

Unless she kills him first! Uncle, this is insanity. Pop Tarts are going to die.

Yes. This is not breakfast that we serve. It is vengence.

You're a piece of clothing. We're all pieces of clothing. And people, with their souls and belly buttons and piercings, are all just naked underneath us.

No one in the tribe ever really liked you- you know that, don't you?

Little Willow says:
(Wed Jan 3 10:24:05 2001)
LW nods at Narrator and throws some tabasco sauce on the Grammy nominations.

It doesn't change anything.

She looks to RTBS. She has no orb of Thessaluh so she throws an orb of Thespia in the mix.

Still nothing happens.

She runs to Willow, borrows the D'Hoffryn talisman, and gives him a chant...

Kristen says:
(Wed Jan 3 10:41:56 2001 1)
Narrator Yeah, Dark Block O' Wood got a nomination for Alba's acting. I'm thinking it was for best impersonation of Barbara Hershey's post-collagen lips. *snerk*

Kristen sidles up next to MeeB.
"Hey, I am here reporting for duty!"
MeeB blinks at her and then confusion fills her gaze. "But you like the barbie doll pop tart."
"Well, yeah, but you have to admit that the real Britney is a lot cuter than the doll. Not as easily transportatable..."
MeeB gasps, "You. Have. The. Doll???"
"It was a gift! And soooooo not the point here. We're trying to save RTBS, right? It's for the good of the Bronze!" Kristen punches a fist in the air, very gung ho about this mission. "So do we get to like rattle the teenage witch until her caps fall out?"
Narrator approaches them and as MeeB fills her in on the newest addition to Team Teen Witch Torment, her eyes narrow. "I'm suspicious."
Kristen groans and shakes her head. "You're always suspicious. Like the time you accused me of bogarting the stunt lackeys." MeeB and Narrator open their mouths but Kristen cuts them off with a Talk-to-the-hand-'cuz-I-ain't-going-there" wave. "No, I did not bring any stunt lackeys. That's not why we're here. We're here to free Britney! I mean RTBS. We're here to free RTBS from Britney's snare and then she's fair game...wheeeee! Who's with me?"

Evil Willow & the Lightsaber says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:05:05 2001)
Evil Willow tries to kill Britney with the lightsaber but as she lowers the boom beam, the saber begins to shake violently in EW's grasp. Suddenly, it flies out of her hand and catapults across the room, smashing against the wall into an unusable mess of metal.
Britney snickers. "These babies are insured by Lloyds of London. One million pounds per perky breast. Do you really think they wouldn't provide protection for them?"
She holds up a small remote control. The label reads, "Spears' Spheres' Protective Forcefield."

DarkLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:08:35 2001 5)
DL goes over to Narrator and *bap*s her head. "We're WORKING on the Roswell thing. Sheesh. Take a few months off to recreate with the hotties at a Rocky Mountain chateau and people act like we betrayed them!" Spying the Roswell writers lurking under one of the couches, DL summons Lovely Poet and loki and tells them to keep an eye on Katims & co. DL watches as the Restoration gets a bit out of hand. First there's all these tangents about Brady Anderson and Kristy Swanson. Plus apparently a Calvinball game has started. Then comes the horrific news about Grammy nominations. Obviously there's some sort darker force at work.
She decides to make a few executive decisions. First she taps Safarigirl, Evil Willow and Aly on the shoulders. "Look, you can't kill the Evil Pop Tart until we figure out what she did to RTBS. If you kill her too soon then he hasn't got a chance. OK?" Evil Willow pouts a bit. DL grins at her, "I didn't say you couldn't play." Evil Willow starts forward but DL puts up her hands, "Sorry, no licking. You kids run off and have fun."
DL then turns to the MJHTT. MeeB is chosen to lead the MJH Torture Team, because she was dressed first. Since both Narrator and the man himself RTBS believe Britney's enslavement was allowed under biblical law, there goes that theory. This means that RTBS' salvation lies with finding out exactly what kind of orb was used and how to reverse it.
DL takes MeeB by the shoulders. "I just wanted to tell you good luck, and we're all counting on you. Now go do that voodoo that you do so well."
Meanwhile she goes to the bar and orders a big glass of mint tea. "What are the odds of this? First Alba is nominated for a Golden Globe. Then RTBS is turned into Britney's sycophant. Now not only Britney but those scruffy boys get nominated for Grammies. And there's those rumors that Russell and Meg Freakin Ryan were getting married this weekend. Something deeply evil is at work here. But who could be behind it? And why?"

Allyson says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:20:33 2001 79)
Kristen Wait, why are we saving RTBS? He's gone down the dark path, the man we once knew is no more. He is spirit, now. Narrator's decision to pull a Kevorkian isn't really working for me either. What this place needs is a nemesis, you know, other than Joss...if you're not careful, you could end up frozen in carbonite, or worse, have your hand hacked off on a catwalk. But the latter is only true if RTBS is your Dad, and that's just not so....or is it????

Zarthrax says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:28:56 2001 9)
Zarthrax is thinking that he would volunteer to help save RTBS from the Evil One (Female v 9.0) if only someone hadn't put super glue on his stool. Oh well, just have to drown my sorrows with 'Detroit Rock City'.

MeeB says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:31:44 2001)
MeeB nods at DarkLady and then calls her MJH Torture Team together into a corner of the room. She eyes Kristen warily but allows her to join them. She worries that Kristen may already be under the beginning influence of whatever force is draining the good taste out of people and forcing them to worship at the altar of Mass Appeal. Having a couple of Roswell worshippers on her team doesn't exactly make her comfortable either. And then there's the whole Nsync thing, too.
This could get dangerous.
MeeB assigns Circe the task of keeping an eye on Kristen. And she sets Narrator about researching in Orbs of the Mystical World for the tool Britney used on RTBS.
She looks over at Leather Jacket and advices he get a few extra layers of protection (you know, that can be stripped away later) and suggests that we could use someone with some covert ops experience on the team. "Why don't you see if your buddy Graham can help?" MeeB suggests. And ask him to bring some of those nifty berets.
Now, that leaves the one extremely important question left to be answered before, well, the next question. . .

"Who's bringing the snacks?"

Slave Advisory Group says:
(Wed Jan 3 11:32:53 2001 34)
The Slave Advisory Group bursts into the Bronze and Marches toward the middle of the room. "We're hear to see Britney Spears," a studly, muscular man with blond hair, bronzed skin and soulful eyes declares.
"Yeah, heh heh, see Britney Spears," says a skinny runt with an overbite (not Overbite).
Leather Jacket walks up to the group and demands to know them just who they are. "We're the Slave Advisory Group," says the man, "or SAG. (We had the acronym first. You can look it up.) We understand that Britney Spears was kidnapped and given to one RTBS as a h*ttie slave. We have it on good authority that this relationship violates Slavery Law."
"Hey," Leather Jacket says, "We went to Canada in accordance with Leviticus something:something and retrieved her there. (We couldn't find Kristy Swanson.) It's perfectly legitimate, if in bad taste."
"That's all well and good," says the SAG man, who's trying desperately to ignore Leather Jacket's roving hands longing gaze. "Now, however, it seems the Pop Tart Slave is giving her master orders and that's unacceptible. We're going to have to seize her."
"Yeah, seize Britney." Says the skinny runt with an overbite (not Overbite). He begins giggling wildly.

Kristen says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:00:11 2001)
Kristen helps Vanessa pack up the snack foods. "Did you bring any cheese? I'm worried about cheese. You know how Eiddileg gets when she..." Kristen trails off as she feels eyes boring holes into her back.
She turns around to find Circe watching her closely. Kristen glares back at her. "What? This is about the doll again, isn't it? It was a gift, damnit!"
"Who in the WORLD would buy you a Britney Spears doll?"
The Bronze erupts in pandemonium. Gasps and shocked cries can be heard throughout the room.
"Polgara?" "She bought a Britney doll?" "Oh the humanity!"
Kristen smiles in satisfaction. "Yep, if I'm going down, I'm taking everyone with me."

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:08:37 2001 11)
Narrator remembers to bring "Lil' Debbie Swiss Rolls" for the trip. Because, after all, that was the snack of choice when Pop Tart was originally brought back to RTBS.
CBinA brings some maps. She sees the look on the faces of the other team members: "What? I can navigate."
"But we don't want to go back to Milan, Ohio," Narrator reminds her.
Yep, adds Vanessa. "Been there. Blowed up that."
"That was SO not my fault,"CBinA declares. I was under a lot of pressure. I was studying for the bar exam and spent a lot of time out on the Ledge. I am so much more clear-headed now."
The Self-Appointed Leader of the MJH Torture Team responds. "You live in Indiana, CBinA," MeeB reminds her. "There's nothing clear-headed about that."
CBinA, replies: "Ok, but I also work for the government. Just like RTBS. I have special insight into his thought processes. Or, you know, lack of them."
The other members of MJH Torture Team shake their heads. And check out the "What to do in Milan, Ohio" books.

MeeB says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:16:51 2001)
MeeB tapes a picture of Cate to one of the backbacks, so the whupped one can come along. Then she walks over to Narrator, who's busy flipping through an issue of Tiger Beat.
"Any luck with the Big Dusty Tome of Orbs?"
"What?" Narrator asks, distracted.
"The Orb book. You're supposed to be looking for Orbs."
"Orbs?! I thought you said Abs!! Look. . ." Narrator holds up one picture, "His ears are backlit in this one!"
MeeB just shakes her head but before she can say more, she's distracted for a moment by Kristen's declaration and calls out . . .
"I don't care who has a doll and who doesn't. . . .as long as they don't bring it along! We can worry about deprogramming la---"
Suddenly, she eyes Kristen's backpack. . . . there seems to be some cloth hanging out of one of the outside pockets. It's glittery. And nude-colored work with me here. Her eyes narrow. . . "Is that an accessory?" she asks the tall and not-at-all-intimidating-really red-head. Before she can snatch the backpack away, Narrator squeals something about a speedo and water and licking abs. MeeB rolls her eyes, yanks the magazine from Narrator and shoves the Dusty Tome into her hands.
She turns back to Kristen, but she's moved away and is fiddling with cheese.
This is going to be a long journey. . . .

moppety says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:19:58 2001)
moppety looks at Kristen curiously. So, Polgara gave the doll to you as a ... gift, did she? I think I'm finding a trend here. Britney dolls, handcuffs, caramel... could Polgara *ahem* lean twoards the dark side herself? And you're going down, but not alone. Berry interesting...

As Leather Jacket stands facing the members of SAG, with his hand on a broad, firm chest, his jaw drops as Graham barrels into the Bronze. Graham is dressed all in black with a beret on his hair head and 12 more in his hands. Graham walks up to LJ and then freezes, glaring at LJ's hand (on another's broad, firm chest). Graham is speechless and unmoving, with 6 black berets dangling precariously from his fingertips

Polgara says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:22:07 2001)
uh oh...
Polgara, busy in the corner banging her head against the table in an effort to clear the fuzzies so she can get some work done, overhears Kristen's proclamation, followed by much murmuring and horrified gasps. She looks up to see Circe and MeeB pointing at her and whispering, with Kristen by their side, smirking in her direction. "Oh thanks! You couldn't just keep quiet, could you? That's it, the Britney Spears leather accessories are going back to the store!"
She suddenly notices her table is no longer empty, as she is deluged by questions from Shaun and Corvus about the infamous and nefarious doll. "No, I don't have the doll... Yes, I did buy the doll, but I did not keep the doll... NO, I've never done any such think with the doll, that's disgusting! Go talk to Kristen, she has the doll now. Sheesh."
Polgara goes back to beating her head against the table, no longer concerned with work - now she's just kicking herself for ever trusting TheKristen to keep her mouth shut. Hmph.

DarkLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:43:56 2001 5)
DL rolls her eyes. The Torture Team looks like it's going to wind up in Milan Ohio again, where there are no more buildings to be blown up.
She pulls out her old standby CIA-issue cell phone and makes a quick call. A few minutes later, while MeeB and Narrator argue over whether or not MeeB in fact watches Roswell in secret while the others are trying to steal Kristen's doll, a lone figure strides into the Bronze in a long coat and black boots. Platinum blonde hair gleams through the dimness of the Bronze.

James Marsters looks around and spots DL. She nods towards the black-clad commando team. James strides over and gently takes the maps away from Closet Buffyholic I.A. . "Maybe you'd better let me drive this time." He turns to MeeB and asks, "So boss, what's our mission?" MeeB finally remembers to close her mouth and looks helplessly around for a minute. Narrator whacks her upside the head and she remembers. "Oh! We have to find Melissa Joan Hart and find out what kind of orb they used on RTBS."
James nods. "Well, I'm not so familiar with Friday night people but I'll give it a go." He looks down. "Of course, I could be more properly attired."
He hands the map to Kristen, "Hold that for a minute, will you?" and then strips off his coat and to reveal a skin-tight black tshirt and jeans. He tosses the coat on the couch where several people pounce and start fighting over who gets to hold it. "Alright then. I'm ready."
MeeB, her thoughts totally lingering in places they shouldn't be, suddenly realizes everyone is waiting for her orders. "Head 'em up and move 'em out!
" The Torture Team prepares to depart while Leather Jacket sobs because he is torn between two hotties.

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 12:53:06 2001 11)
Narrator, recovering from seeing James Marster up close and personal, almost swears off Xander in a Speedo. Almost. She turns to Vanessa and says: "He had me at ?I'll give it a go.'"

Leather Jacket says:
"I thought we had something. I thought I was your mission," Graham exclaims to LJ, who still hasn't removed his hand from the SAG guy's chest. "Now what am I? Errand boy? I bring you hats?!"

MeeB gasps as Graham flails the black berets so necessary to her mission about wrecklessly.

LJ stammers briefly. "But - but -- butt - wait, let's not go there. They're here to seize Britney Spears. We can't let that happen until we know how to restore RTBS' soul." Whispering, he continues, "I was distracting them, yeah, that's it, I was distracting them."
Graham turns to the head of the SAG. "Is this man distracting you from seizing Britney Spears?" LJ rolls his eyes. He may be a h*ttie, but subtlety is not Graham's strong suit.
"Well... yes," the head of the SAG says. "We need to seize Britney Spears because she's violating Slave Labor Law."
"Oh." Graham backs off quietly.
Suddenly, LJ is hit by the Calvin ball, and a voice in the distance cries out, "that's 567,890 points for me!" inspiration. He turns to SAG and says, "Listen, there's been a slight delay with Britney, since she's ... trapped in the well been detained. Why don't you go into the waiting room and wait for her there. It's the third door on the left."
"Alright," the head of SAG says, "But no tricks."
Graham dashes and opens the door to the waiting room and the SAG guys walk toward it. The skinny geek with the overbite (not Overbite) is still chortling about seizing Britney when LJ's leg mysteriously slips in front of his. He flails to the ground as the others enter the room. Graham close the door and there is much "Ow"ing and "Hey"ing and *THUD*ding. Soon, all is quiet in the "waiting room".
LJ and Graham quickly tie up the skinny geek in case a virginal sacrifice is needed later in the scenario.

MeeB says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:09:41 2001)
Outside the Bronze, James stops next to a black Hummer and MeeB nearly runs into him because she was too busy looking at his. . . . . assets.
That is, er, . . . so, anyway. She's about to speak up again when she's nearly knocked down because everyone else on the team nearly runs into her because they were too busy looking at . . . . well, you get the picture.
James offers to drive, and MeeB quickly establishes that she'll be riding shotgun. Being in command does have certain perks. She looks back at the Bronze once more, torn because going through Ohio would at least mean they'd have a chance to liberate Cate, who would surely like to come along with the MJH Torture Team now. But restorng RTBS is more important than personal *sigh* pleasures at this point so. . . .
"James, takes us to Hollywood. WB offices. We're gonna have to break in and figure out where Sabrina films. But don't worry, Circe and her catsuit have a way with WB guards. . ."
The MJH Torture Team crams into the hummer, each wearing one of Graham's nifty black berets. Several members gather in the back, ogling Kristen's Britney doll -- "looking for weaknesses" and "practicing voodoo," so they say. Closet Buffyholic continues to insist that there's really some kind of travel portal in Milan that could be helpful, and Narrator's engrossed in the Dusty Tome of Orbs, but she seems to have something glossy and colorful tucked between the pages. MeeB sighs and calls out to Leather Jacket and Graham, who are playing games with skinny geeks, "Are you coming along or staying behind? We've got muscle now (boy do we have muscle) so we're good (boy are we good) either way. . . .
" MeeB waits. . . . .

Vanessa says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:18:53 2001 )
Vanessa, squashed in the back of the hummer, discreetly edges away from Polgara, in case the urge to buy larger-than-life plastic items is catchy.
After being momentarily distracted by James Marsters, she turns back to Kristen. "I've got the cheese right here with me. "Eiddileg can't complain now... well about lack of cheese products anyway. At least living in Wisconsin has some advantages. I've also got beer to so we can get the hotties drunk and take advantage of them later relax with a refreshing beverage after the mission. Well, those of us who don't have a blow up doll, anyway... (*snerk*) We are gathering hotties on this mission aren't we?" "Did you bring cheetos?"
"Nah", Kristen replies. "I figured we can just pick those up in Milan. Unless they're still out from the last time we were there. "

Circe says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:19:08 2001)
Circe, having been felled by the evil whup monster -- obviously in the employ of the evil Pop Tart--takes her eye off Kristen long enough say, "So, when do we get to torture WJH, huh? Did I miss it, did I miss it?" She also makes a mental note never to tell Kristen anything embarrassing. And to have Polgara's head examined. And that Graham and Leather Jacket make a *very* handsome couple.
But I digress and DarkLady's gonna get me for that?

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:28:51 2001 11)
Narrator, looks up briefly from her research and turns to her sislet Circe to ask: "Do you mean "WJH" or "MJH?" Does the Bad Witch have a sibling? Oh, no, it isn't William Joan Hart, is it? THE Kristen will be quite cross about another "William" being introduced into this story.

MeeB says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:33:45 2001)
MeeB looks at Kristen and Vanessa and says, "Well, you've got cheese, that's great. But did anyone think to pick-up Eiddileg? Sheesh, do I have to do everything?"
MeeB scurries back into the Bronze to find Eiddileg still sitting next to the overhead projector surrounded my even more plastic overheads covered with elaborate stick figure drawings.

"Are you coming?" MeeB asks impatiently.

"I'm almost done with my depiction of the Epic Battle of the Boy Bands," Eiddy murmurs. "I'm just having trouble with Joey's hair. . . ."

"We have cheese," MeeB says.

"I'm there."
Eiddileg gathers up her overheads, squeezes into the back of the hummer and starts sharing her work with the others, using the overhead light.

MeeB climbs back into the passenger seat, smiles one of those "what are ya gonna do?" smiles at James, and they prepare to depart. . . .

Leather Jacket says:

Leather Jacket and Graham leave the skinny geek tied to a chair and race to the MeeBmobile, both exclaiming, "We're in!" in unison. LJ then explains that the last time he performed a ritual sacrifice, he got yelled at for not using a virgin, so he figured he'd make sure they had one for later use.
Note to the Bronze : No touching the virgin ... in any way shape or form.
Graham then asks LJ why he tricked the other SAG guys into going into a closet and getting knocked out, and LJ explains that that was so they wouldn't tell anyone about the sacrifice. Graham seems to buy this explanation
. MeeB orders them into the Hummer and they both claim, "I get the back seat!" look at each other and burst into laughter

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:47:25 2001 11)
The MJH Torture Team has had a rather late departure from the Bronze. MeeB is trying to defend her decision to go back for Eiddileg.
"We had to return for her. She's part of the team. Plus, then Leather Jacket and Bailey joined us."
"Fine," said James Marsters, "but now there's no way we'll make it to theWB studios tonight. We'll have to find somewhere to stay for the night."
At that, all of the other Team Members stopped looking at Mr. Marsters ... assets and gave complete attention to what he was saying.
"Where should we stay? Any suggestions?"
Finally, Narrator stopped fantasizing and spoke up: "I think we should stop in Milan, Ohio. There's lodging there. Cheap, probably, since stuff keeps getting blowed up. Plus, Closet Buffyholic in Absentia won't come back in off the Ledge unless we let her navigate a while. She's going to take us there eventually. Might as well go there on purpose for a change."
"Narrator's right," Vanessa chimed in. "Had to happen sometime."
"I HEARD THAT" Narrator responded.
"OK," James Marsters interrupted. "Milan, Ohio it is."

DarkLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:59:43 2001 5)
DL watches the Hummer drive away, a worried frown on her face. She swoops catsies up in a cuddlehug and strokes their fur while she thinks. Then she pulls her phone out again and makes a call. Moments later Julian McMahon appears as if by magic at her side, wearing blue jeans, a blue mock turtleneck and the black leather coat from his "Profiler" days. "You needed me?" he asks seductively.
DL smiles apologetically. "Sorry, sweetie, I need some help here. I need you to do some investigating. I need to know if there's some sort of very dark power about to rise that's causing all these weird things to happen."
"What kind of weird things?" Julian asks, taking her hand in a distracting way.
DL stutters a moment, "RTBS has lost his soul to Britney Spears. She got nominated for a Grammy. Russell and Meg might get married. It's not good." Julian shudders. "I need to know," she pleads softly.
Julian raises her vand to his lips briefly. "I'll be back soon." And he shimmers away.
"That's such a nifty little power." DL says to no one in particular.
he is about to call her bestest bud the *other* LJ who is away at university *sniffle* to ask for research help when the doors to the Bronze burst open and Slave2Faith stumbles through them. She staggers across the Bronze, collapsing in DL's arms. She gasps out a confused warning, "I tried to stop...I did everything I could...she's coming...right behind..."
Slavey passes out. Meanwhile ominous footsteps echo from the alley outside. The whole building is shaking. Pieces of plaster fall from the walls. Bronzers duck in terror, watching the doors wide-eyed. One of the Roswell writers tries to make a run for it but is stopped by an arrow flying past his ear. Lovely Poet doesn't turn her eyes from her prey, but she too is listening as the footsteps come ever closer. Britney, who had almost climbed out of the Fount, loses her grip as the Bronze gives a violent lurch and is thrown back to the bottom with a loud splash. Inside the Waiting Room, the SAG officers are -er- *tossed* to and fro. belmont stands ready with his remote control. Safarigirl ignites her lightsaber and holds it ready. The footsteps halt just outside the doors to the Bronze...

Zarthrax says:
(Wed Jan 3 13:59:57 2001 9)
Dang, now I can't start singing Weird Al songs! (I Lost On Jeopardy)
Zarthrax, poised above the well, closes his eyes and starts randomly dropping sharp lawn darts into the well to the tune of The Devil Went Down To Georgia. Every couple seconds, a loud scream can be heard from the pit. Finally, Zarthrax opens his eyes to do the scoring. Unfortunately, it seems none of the sharpened lawn darts struck The Evil One. She activated her personal force field before they hit, and they all richocheted and hit Jack Lord in a Catsuit! Overcome with remorse for hitting an innocent, Zarthrax takes a cymbal stand and prepares to commit suicide by swallowing it. Then, Night Fever by the Bee Gees starts playing over the speakers. Upon reflection, Zarthrax decides not to kill himself and resume operations at normal on the tall stool next to the stereo. However, he does bap the idiot who put that dreck in w/the cymbal stand before pouring himself a gallon jug of Cherry Coke.

Unfortunately, guys, I gotta go. I've had to use the computer at the public library to log in and it's a long way to Rally's. Send (((Vibes)))) that I can get a computer around income tax return time.

Zarthrax, realizing that it's later than he'd like to admit, hurredly locks up the sound system after inserting some canned dance mix stuff. On his way out, he kicks Britney bck into the pit after she had almost made her way out. Then, opening the door really fast, Zarthrax slams "Mysterious Person" with the door. With a yelled "Sorry!", he runs for the Citroen and takes off in a cloud of atomized parts.

Vanessa says:
(Wed Jan 3 14:13:18 2001 32)
All heads in the hummer swung back in unison as everyone turned to stare at Vanessa.
"Did you just say that Narrator is right?" The group gasped.
"What? Narrator can't be right?" said James, obliviously driving along. Leather Jacket, tearing himself away from Graham for a moment (because this was important) explained: "Well, James, Narrator thinks that Dru let the Boogety Boogety Shopkeeper live. How right can she be?"
"Ha!" James almost drove the hummer off the road. "Oh sure. That Dru is so known for her merciful side. BBS alive! That's a good one!"
"Oh hush and just drive. And by the way, I've been campaigning for more eps with Xander in a speedo and haven't campaigned *at all* for eps with Spike in a speedo." Narrator gave James a smug look. But then James smiled at her and she went all googly again.
So, off to Milan they went, although since they'd only gotten there by accident before, no one was sure if they could actually find it on purpose...

DarkLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 14:21:11 2001 5)
The doors crash apart and fall on the floor. Dust clouds swirl into the Bronze, blocking the view of the intruder at the door. Everyone squints into the haze.
DL stands up slowly, Slavey's unconscious body sliding to the floor where cats stand guard over it. DL's eyes and mouth are wide open in shock. She never expected to be found here.
As the dust clears, Cosmic Bob stares at the intruder and says, "You gotta be kidding me."
"WHERE IS SHE?" shrieks a piercing voice.
As one, all the Bronzers point to DL.
Meg Freakin Ryan marches into the Bronze right up to DL. Her head barely comes up to DL's nose, and she's wearing serious heels. MFR shoves her face up at DL and screams, "He's MINE! MINE MINE MINE! You can't have him! He doesn't even know you exist! So you just give up now and you won't have to get hurt. Much." MFR grins in a sadistic way as she pulls a sword from her overly-long "aren't I just too trendy for words" peasant skirt and takes a clear shot at separating DL's head from her body.
Totally unprepared, DL jumps back from the blade, only to trip over Slave2Faith's body and fall rather ignominously onto her rear end. MFR loses her balance when the sword doesn't hit its target, but she recovers and raises the sword high over her head.
The sword comes whistling down towards DL.
A strange kind of calm sets in at moments like this. DL reaches out and grabs a nearby barstool and lifts it up. The sword crashes into the wooden legs and comes to a halt. MFR stands confused for a moment and then feebly tries to pull the sword loose. DL seizes the opportunity and shoves the barstool and sword and knocks MFR backwards. DL rolls away and jumps to her feet. She searches frantically for her tranq gun and then realizes it's locked behind the bar for emergencies. Lovely Poet needs the crossbow to guard the Roswell writers.
Weaponless, DL stands in the center of the Bronze, as MFR picks herself up and lifts her sword again.
"Will no one help me?" DarkLady cries.
is this the end of our intrepid heroine? will RTBS ever have his soul restored? will James Marsters survive the night in Milan OH? will we ever get tired of basking in our own brilliance?

Circe says:
(Wed Jan 3 14:27:09 2001)
"MJH, WJH," Circe responds (belatedly) to her sislet, Narrator, "I was obviously distracted by James'?assets. Also, I can't type worth sh*t." She dives into the hummer as it's taking off, aiming for James' lap but somehow landing in MeeBs. "Gee," she says innocently, I guess we're both riding shotgun, now, eh?" MeeB glares at her & shoves her into the back, between LJ and Graham, who glare at her & shove her back at MeeB.
This is gonna be an *incredibly* long ride.

Kristen says:
(Wed Jan 3 14:42:28 2001 1)
Kristen smacks the back of Narrator's head. "I heard that William remark." Kristen is, however, very relieved that his Blond Hottiness seems to have taken Circe's overactive eyes off of her. That no blinking stare thing was freaking her out.

Then she hears about Dalia's little confession earlier and turns her head to gape. "Did we or did we not have a conversation about things NOT to be discussed in front of my friends?" Dalia pouts and she looks just so darn...CUTE *snerk* plus you know...Kristen wants to see the outfit again that Kristen relents.

"OK, fine. I'll let it slide. Anyway...Milan, OH. Never been there before." Eiddileg reaches across her and grabs some cheesefood from the bag next to her. As she muches happily, Kristen looks at her warily. "Say, we don't have any caffiene in any of these bags, do we? I really don't want a repeat performance of the Canadian Invasion. I narrowly avoided an indictment that time."

Eiddileg glares at Kristen. "That was SO not my fault. Who knew he'd be so easy to push off that cliff? And you were an accessory before, after and during the fact and don't you forget it."

"I refuse to respond and take the Fifth."

Narrator interjects, "Well, this isn't an actual court of law so technically you can't plead the Fifth."

Kristen snickers, "Well, this isn't an actual court of law so technically you can't stop me from pleading the Fifth."

Narrator has no response.

"Hoist with your own petard, huh?"

Leather Jacket says:
Narrator : *BAP* Bailey is in Hollywood, hopefully working on some new, wonderful project. Graham is helping us.

Graham, in the back of the Hummer, hears Narrator bragging about a campaign to put Xander in a Speedo and asks, "Hey, is there a campaign to put me in a Speedo?"

The entire complement of passengers groan and roll their eyes, saying, "Here we go again!"

Suddenly, Circe comes flying between Leather Jacket and Graham, nearly breaking LJ's arm.

Circe : OW!

With Circe pushed back toward MeeB, LJ suddenly realizes that they are in Milan, Ohio, where it's all snowy and cold. LJ shivers slightly, almost imperceptibly. Graham wraps an arm around him to keep him warm.

Evil Willow says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:04:20 2001)
Evil Willow laughs at Meg Freakin' Ryan. "Just another blue-eyed bimbo. Dime a dozen! You can join Britney in the well." With lightning speed Evil Willow rushes up to Meg Freakin' Ryan (AKA Ex-Mrs. Quaid), slaps the sword out of her dainty hand, punches her in her cute-as-a-button nose. "ACK! MY DOSE!" screams Meg Freakin' Ryan. "Yeah, will that Gladiator-dude like you now?" replies Evil Willow. She picks Meg Freakin' Ryan up, kicks the gate aside and throws her down, on top of Britney and they both fall in a heap on Jack Lord In A Catsuit. "Stay out of our business, tramp" and with that Evil Willow puts the grate back on the well and returns to her seat.

DarkLady: You're welcome.

Catriona says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:12:22 2001)
Far away in England at the WAARF HQ, Catriona decides she's had enough of sitting around and wants to join in the fun - 'cause you know anything that plans to torture MJH has got to be good. She grabs the somewhat-transparent-kinda-not-there Squadron Leader clarrie and puts her in the sidecar of the WAARF Sacred Flying Motorbike, hoping she'll wake up/stop being kinda-not-there sometime soon. She fires up the SFM and heads for America.

A loooong time later, she's flying around above Milan, Ohio. She sees the MJH Torture Team's Hummer speeding along and flys down. She lands on top of the Hummer and knocks on the sunroof presuming there is one, since she knows nothing about cars. Narrator opens the sunroof and asks what she wants.

"I have valuable information" Catriona replies. "The accursed MJH does instead have a sibling - several in fact. The oldest of them is called Emily, and she's almost We could kidnap her and get to MJH that way. Heck, it's almost a tv cliche."

Silence descends as the MJH Torture Team considers her idea.

Meg Freakin' Ryan says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:20:23 2001 5)
DarkLady's shoulders slump in relief as the gate slams shut. She crawls over to EvilWillow and bows. "Thank you. A thousand times thank you. She just...she does something to my abilities. I imagine it's much like whatever she's done to Russell, since he and I are psychically connected..."

The gate on top of the Fount explodes upwards, scattering shrapnel all over the Bronze, cutting through regulars and chatlice without mercy. The sound can be heard all the way in Ohio.

Meg Freakin Ryan floats up ala Halle Berry in her only remotely cool moment in "The X-Men" and lands back on the floor.

Floating up behind her are Britney Spears, who is smiling widely, and Jack Lord in a catsuit.

Jack Lord promptly flees the Bronze in terror to find his therapist and some new clothes.

Britney stands behind MFR's right shoulder. Both of them are laughing maniacally.

EvilWillow and DL look at each other. Now we have a whole new problem. Britney's loose again. And MFR still has her sword. She raises it and points directly at DL's heart.

Phantom Leather Pants says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:21:42 2001 10)

Fashion? is the source of hope?


Mr. Gordo approaches the door, hesitates, then pulls down the remnants of the yellow POLICE CRIME SCENE tape.

and the cause of purple hair?



As they are carefully laid on the ground.

It is the source of life?


and the cause of Faux Pas.


Mr. Gordo and Buffy stand next to Pinky's grave.

In my years as a Plush Toy, I've buried...too many articles of clothing. Some I wore - most I didn't. Pink Leather Pants is the first one that I've loved.

I'm sorry I couldn't wear them for you, for RTBS when I had the chance.

Tell me...the cowboy hat...?

Buffy shakes her head no, and fights back tears.

I can't do this alone!


DarkLady says:
OzLady SCROLL for the love of Joss! *g* This is now about so much more than one man's soul. It's about RTBS' soul, it's about Russell Crowe's freedom, about the collapse of American society under the staggering weight of pop garbage, about Leather Jacket and Graham, about Narrator being right, about James Marsters in covert ops fatigues, Julian McMahon in leather, Kristen's secret Britney obsession, and so much more...

major mischiefs.... says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:32:25 2001 )
catsies form a circle around Slavey, scowling dangerously at anyone attempting to tromp on her. quickly growing bored with scowling, though, it's surprisingly boring! they pull the everpresent bag of bells n ribbons out and proceed to decorate their unconscious victimfirend industriously...til she is all but hidden in the mass of ribbons, bells, beads, and sparklies. then they curl up for a sudden nap, still forming a protective circle around Slavey's unrecognizable form.....

Dunlin says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:40:16 2001)
As amorphia looks around the Bronze for familar faces, she hears a strangely familar shout. From underneath the GLR couch, Dunlin motions frantically at amorphia through the haze of destroyed well mortar.

"Hurry! Hide under here!" Dunlin yells. "It's much safer. Meg Freakin' Ryan will never find me under here. I'd prefer if she didn't find you either."

That said, Dunlin starts pelting MFR and BS with bits of shattered brick in a futile effort to distract them from the valiant DarkLady and Evil Willow.

Narrator says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:47:34 2001 11)
OzLady: I believe that Leather Jacket has a virgin locked up somewhere in the Bronze. He's from SAG, which stands for something or another.

DarkLady: So, your Russell Crowe obsession has lead to Britney Spears' escape from her containment. Sheesh, I knew it would lead you on the road to ruin. But now it has lead to the possible loss of our only chance to avoid having to be put RTBS down like a rabid dog. Thank Joss catsies was here to protect Slavey, or you'd have her death on your conscience, too. Goober.

Evil Willow says:
(Wed Jan 3 15:50:25 2001)
DarkLady: Don't worry, two bimbos don't frighten me. Only one thing frightens me, and she's not here. But I sensed a whole lot of stinky fear from the Pop Tart. That and I've called for reinforcements.

The door to the Bronze bursts open. Jack Lord In A Catsuit is thrust back into the Bronze. "Oh, Willow honey, Mommy's home!" And Darla walks through the door. "It takes a blond blue-eyed to deal with another. Get your skinny butt over here, Meg Freakin' Ryan." And Darla vamps out and charges Meg Freakin' Ryan, dodging her pathetic attempts at swordsmanship and slapping her upside the head, knowing it wouldn't do any damage.

DarkLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 16:18:17 2001 5)
Narrator *BAP* ye of little faith. Watch and learn.

Darla is trying to bite Meg Freakin Ryan. She grabs hold of the skinny little tramp and prepares to chow down, when Britney comes up from behind her and slams the remains of the gate over Darla's head. MFR steps away as Darla falls to the floor. Britney grins evilly at Darla.
"Thank you my dear."
"No problem, mummy." Britney looks down at Darla. "That's a nice bike." MFR whispers something to her. "I mean, those are nice shoes."
Meg Freakin Ryan now turns and prepares to charge DarkLady, who is uncharacteristically cowering in terror. From the shadows of lurkdom comes a munching sound and a male voice can distinctly be heard saying, "More popcorn?"
DL's head twitches towards the voice. EvilWillow attempts to keep DL upright but at the same time she is straining to go after Britney and prevent her escape.
Over behind the couch, Lovely Poet turns to loki. "We have to do something!"
loki: "What do you want to do? If we go help her, the Roswell writers escape and we'll lose a prime chance to rid the earth of them once and for all."
Lovely Poet: "What profit we if we gain Roswell and lose DarkLady?"
loki: "I'd say about 60%."
Lovely Poet: "OK, that's acceptable."
loki: "Still, maybe there's a third option." She calls to DL. "Can we borrow your cell phone?"
DL yells back incredulously. "I'm kinda busy being skewered right now!"
loki "It's important!"
DL groans and slides the phone across the floor to loki.
Meanwhile, MFR stares at her foe. "Say your prayers, b****."
DL suddenly snaps out of it. " 'Say your prayers'? I HATE that cliche!"
MFR roars and charges DL, who leaps straight into the air. MFR runs underneath her and crashes into the wall. DL comes back down and turns to EvilWillow. "I'm okay now. Go get Britney. Don't let her escape or RTBS is lost to us!"
EvilWillow heads off after Britney, who is doing her lame Madonna-rip off floor crawling thing. Meanwhile DL turns to face MFR, who is radiating rage and raising her sword again.
"Now!" loki yells.
Lovely Poet screams, "DL!" and throws the crossbow at her friend and partner in crime and Superstar Twin. DL catches the crossbow and fires in one smooth move, catching MFR in the arm. Scattered "boos" are heard from the lurking shadows.
Meanwhile the Roswell writers use the distraction to try and escape. Lovely Poet and loki throw themselves onto Jason Katims to try and stop him but the others are almost to the door. Unfortunately for them, they find their way blocked by Nick Weschler, Brendan Fehr and Jason Behr.
Nick and Brendan begin pummelling the writers while shouts of "That's for this stoopid haircut" and "No more screen time, huh? Take that!" are heard. Jason walks over to LP and loki. "How come you didn't call us earlier? You know we live to protect and cater to you."
Lovely Poet tears her eyes away from the sight of her boys fighting. "Well, we had things under control. Note the past tense." And she nods towards the center of the Bronze.
MFR is incredibly still upright. Bleeding, but so far gone into fury that she hardly notices. DL looks awake and self-possessed but she is still unarmed.
No one has noticed Slave2Faith waking up. Actually it was hard to notice because Slavey is buried under bells and ribbons. Still she manages to attract cats attention. She mumbles something which is hard to hear under the jangling of the bells. "Behind my back...give it to...hurry!"
cats nod and burrow into the ribbons. They back out dragging something long and very heavy. Little cats finally get the object loose from the ribbons and then have to go rest from the effort. They've done enough, though. Slavey yells for DL to look at the floor. As MFR charges again, DL does a cartwheel across the Bronze, past Slavey, and comes up holding Excalibur Kendra's Sword Acathla's Sword The Green Destiny.
The chime from the metal echoes through the Bronze. DL and MFR face each other, swords at the ready...
TBC tomorrow...

Safarigirl says:
(Wed Jan 3 17:54:19 2001 58)
Into the sudden silence of the Bronze, Safarigirl re-emerges from a whup portal. She observes Meg Freakin' Ryan and DarkLady frozen in the engarde position, awaiting tomorrow and the continuation of the WITT.
Safarigirl carefully lays her plans...MFR is in for a few surprises on the morrow.
With a whisper of the Force, the floor beneath MFR's feet is weakened to just the right brittleness that it will give way by tomorrow morning. Then, moving carefully, Safarigirl slides the sword from MFR's puny hands.
"Such a notion!" The Jedi Master sniffs. "No one as un-muscled as this could ever wield a sword so large. Still, just to make sure..."
She slips out to the back alley. The whoosh of a bellows and the crackle of a fire can be heard, followed by a few CLANGS! and DINGS! Soon, Safari slip back into the room and reinserts the sword in La Ryan's frozen grip.
The sword now gleams dully in the Bronzelight. Very dully. As dull as...Lead?
Yes, MFR's enormous sword is now coated in a good centimeter of lead cladding. Given the size of the weapon, the new addition has to add at least twenty pounds to the weight of the thing. Dear Meg will fall flat forward with the first swing...
As a final precaution, Safarigirl summons the TSA. The lovely Torchy, sad and subdued since the departure of Marc, is only to happy to have something useful to do.
She sets to work on Britney.

RTBS says:
(Wed Jan 3 18:17:08 2001)
RTBS re-enters the Bronze. The carnage seems to have died down somewhat, but he sees Safarigirl sabotaging Meg Freaking Ryan's sword. As MFR is battling on the side of his mistress, Britney Spears, RTBS waits until Safarigirl goes to look for Britney.
Just to be sure that no one disturbs him in his important work, RTBS whips out the watch from the Robert Hayes/Pam Dawber movie "The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything" Momentarily he freezes time in the Bronze. Ever so gently, he picks up MFR and moves her to where DarkLady was standing and vice versa so that Safarigirl will be responsible for DL falling through the floor instead of MFR. Then ever so carefully he replaces the dull lead sword that Safarigirl gave MFR with a razor-sharp titanium sword. Much lighter. Much Faster. DarkLady stands no chance now.
Happy in his work, RTBS restarts time and goes to cook shrimp gumbo for Britney.

OzLady says:
(Wed Jan 3 18:25:21 2001 68)
Lurking at the bar (not flirting with belmont,though; not I! *g*), OzLady sees what the pod-RTBS has done. As soon as he has left to make whatever vile slop Britney requires him to make, she sneaks back over to the frozen tableau. She pats herself on the back, briefly, over the use of the word "tableau." Say it pretty with me now, "tableau..."
Anyway, she takes the very dangerous titanium word out of MFR's hand and neatly tosses it to the bartender. Unfortunately, per usual, he is too busy flirting for tips and the sword lops off one of his prominent ears.
"Here!" says Roman Around. "I will lend you one of mine!"
OzLady then turns to the camera (you didn't think FOX, home of "COPS" would miss filming this, did you!??!) and says soto voce, "We're replacing Meg Freakin' Ryan's titanium sword with a curling iron. Let's see if she notices!"
OzLady then waves apologetically to belmont and exits the Bronze.

white wings says:
(Wed Jan 3 19:01:39 2001 )
What were the fates of RTBS and that poor not so veryinnocent newbie Amberlynne? Did Britney emerge from that hole to sit in MeeB's seat on the comfy couch? Did the Roswell writers ever get out from under the couch? Did RTBS get out of the tweed muumuu? Did Kristen subvert the tortureinterrogation team? Did Narrator stop babbling about Roswell? Did Thomas Edison's house get blown upit's happened before, after all? Has the cause of the deep evil infesting the Bronze been uncovered? Did DarkLady ever get things (or anything) back on track? Does white wings have to shop for suitable funeral clothes?

RTBS says:
(Wed Jan 3 20:59:20 2001)
Coming down to respond to some of Britney's fan mail, RTBS sees that OzLady has replaced Meg Freaking Ryan's sword with a curling iron. So as not to arose suspicion tomorrow morning, RTBS replaces THAT curling iron with Bobbi Anderson's (from the Tommyknockers)curling iron. Infinitely more dangerous than any sword. And still, DarkLady is standing on the area of the floor that is about to give way.

What? You thought we were done?