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| Our sad little lives, your comic relief. |
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FRIDAY Leather Jacket says: The intrepid team of the Melissa Joan Hart Torture Team is wandering the halls of Paramount, trying vainly to find MJH so they can torture her to find out what happened to RTBS and how to restore his soul and get him back to normal. They stumble across Claris, who is lying in a hallway, sleeping. "Mmm... Bailey Chase ... rescued you ..." Claris mutters in her sleep. Narrator rolls her eyes. "Isn't Bailey off auditioning for some movie or other? LJ?" Leather Jacket nods. "And I certainly hope Claris isn't rescuing him from that." The team come to an unmarked door, and LJ stops, his eyes glazing over. "He's here," LJ says in a bad British accent. "Or, at least, he's near." "Who's near?" MeeB asks, and why are you channeling Drusilla? "Graham is near," LJ says, cradling his stomach. "I can feel him." "Oh, not this again," Missi says, "Look, we'll get you another h*ttie. Right now, we have to find MJH. Time may be running out! How about JC from *NSync. He's a h*ttie. Or, we could get you Christian Kane..." "Hey," Polgara interrupts. "Leave some of the h*tties for the rest of us!" "Miss Missi has been naughty," LJ says sternly, "and shall have no cakes today." Eiddileg hand Missi a Cheeto, but only one. "They're better than cakes anyway," she whispers. LJ tries the door, which is, of course, locked like any good door to a secret dungeon would be. But that doesn't stop our stalwart team. Circe in a cat suit comes up to the door and kicks it in. The team bursts through finding another door, which Circe doesn't even try before kicking it in. "Somebody had her Wheaties," Polgara says. MeeB takes LJ aside, "Look, this isn't going to be one of those endless door stories, is it? We need to get going!" LJ points to the door, which leads to a stairway, which leads to the dungeon. They climb down and find Graham - not Bailey, thank yew very much -- manacled - not tied, thank yew very much! - to an uphostered chair. Graham's vacant eyes stare out fixedly. "I'm a little teapot short and stout / here is my handle here is my spout / when I get all steamed up hear me shout / tip me over and pour me out" The television is showing season 6 of Full House. MJH, who hasn't yet noticed our team, turns to her mother and says, "Does he have to sing that freakin' song?" "The programming hasn't affected his language centers completely yet. Give it time, he'll be docile before we have to resort to Two of a Kind." "So," MJH asks, "why aren't these videos affecting us?" "Because," Paula Hart says, "I'm evil and you don't have a brain that would be affected by mindless drivel." "Oh, cool! Thanks! Hey, wait a minute, that was a dig, wasn't it?" "Enough," Leather Jacket yells, and the team springs into action. RTBS and his best friend Britney says: During the long watches of last night says... Narrator says: The MJH TT frees Graham. Our little commando is still singing "I'm a Little Teapot". Leather Jacket is crestfallen. "Don't worry, LJ", Closet Buffyholic in Absentia tells him. "We'll get Graham back to his old, taciturn, wooden self in no time." Meanwhile the other Team members have grabbed MJH and her evil mom, Paula. THE Kristen turns to Paula Hart: "What have you done to him?" "Mahahaha", she cackles. "He's been watching Mary Kate & Ashley videos all night!! His mind is mush!!" "This is bad," Circe says. "Yea," Closet Buffyholic in Absentia adds. "If it was anything but the Olsen twins, maybe we could bring him back. If he's going to stay like this, maybe the humane thing to do is ...." "NO!!" Leather Jacket sobs. "We aren't going to put him down like some ... RTBS! We're going to save him!!! "Let me try something," Eiddileg interjects. She walks over to the singing Graham. The tension in the room is so thick you could cut it with a knife. Looking the commando in the eye, Eiddileg asks: "Want a Cheeto?" Something in that moment seems to reach the inner brain of Graham. His eyes flicker, then blink. He stops singing that nursery rhyme. Slowly, Graham looks up at Leather Jacket. Yes, there is recognition. They share a warm embrace. (There is other activity, but this is a FAMILY BOARD. Besides, let's give them some privacy, shall we?) MeeB says: With Graham successfully freed and at least sentient enough to follow Leather Jacket and Eiddileg and her cheetos out to safety, the rest of the MJH Torture Team springs to action. Well, first there's some tripping and general bumping into one another because it's hard to spring after riding around in a cramped Hummer for days on end. There's also a slight hangover-like feeling from the trip through the Big Glowing Portal-y Thing back in Ohio. So. . . we're not talking Green Beret action here. Well, except Circe. But then, she had that massage from Manuel in Cannes so . . . anyway. A few weak-ass, beer-gutted security guards scurry around as Paula Hart barks orders at them. Polgara, Vanessa, and Dalia take them on with ease. James Marstersadopts his Spike persona to intimidate MJH, causing Cate to *EEP* loudly and hae to sit down on her hands to keep from jumping him and running her fingers through his hair. Such restraint is appreciated by her team members. With James backing MJH into a corner, Closet Buffyolic in absentia keeps her there using her nifty bull whip. Cuz of the fun! Meanwhile, MeeB, Kristen, and Narrator (who, btw, re-joined the team after giving up on finding the Roswell boys and realizing the safety of RTBS and the world were more important)square off against Paula Hart. Narrator says: The MJH TT has freed Graham. There have been tender moments between Graham and Leather Jacket. Several in fact. "OK," says MeeB, "time to refocus. Let's get on with the capturing and torturing!!!" "Wait" Narrator interrupts. "Why? I thought lawyers liked torturing?" Dalia asked. "We do. It's just that I've been thinking." THE Kristen snickered. "Well, no good can come of that." Narrator glared. "Oh, very funny. I'm serious. I'm all for torturing MJH. And her mother. But, we're on the clock here. What if we are going down the wrong road and are barking up the wrong tree." "Narrator, Dalia replied, "I think I speak for everyone here when I say: Huh?" "OK, ignore the mixed metaphors," Narrator said. Here's what I mean. We've assumed that Britney Spears was behind all of this because she's been the beneficiary of RTBS losing his mind/soul. And that MJH is involved because she's the Pop Tart's friend. But what if Britney Spears is really not the one at the bottom of all of this? I mean, is there anything in her past to indicate that the Pop Tart has the brains to pull this off?" "Well, then who do you think is the cause?" Leather Jacket asked, after pulling himself away from Graham. "There's a couple of suspects. First, remember that RTBS got Britney after the Canadian H*ttie Invasion. An invasion he inspired. The Canadians were none too amused about that. What if, somehow, they are using Britney to take their revenge." "No way." Vanessa responded. "They are way too polite to do something like that." "I dunno," Closet Buffyholic replied. "They've been sending us really bad weather lately" a lot of cold and snow. They can hold a grudge." MeeB shook her head. "I don't see it. I've checked with Angle Man, Safarigirl and others, and they are just as upset as we are about RTBS. Besides, if they would go after anyone, it would be you, Narrator. There's the whole "War of 1812" thing, after all." Narrator thought that one over. Circe says: Circe, having been driven mad by Graham's incessant singing of the teapot song turns her wrath on her poor sislet, Narrator. "WHAT is this, freakin' Hamlet?"" To be Britney, or not to be Britney? If I don't get to torture someone soon, it's not gonna be pretty." She turns on Paula Hart and growls menacingly. MeeB looks askance. Closet Buffyholic in Absentia gives Circe a vocabulary award for the use of the word "askance." Vanessa says: As our heroes contemplate who may really be to blame.... "It generally is a good rule of thumb to blame Canada," mused Polgara. "And Lady of the Lake did sort of do a happy dance about freezing us and then she snuck in and stole our peanut butter cup snacks," Vanessa remembered. "But not the cheetos! Never the cheetos!" Eiddileg cried. "No, honey, no the cheetos," Dalia patted her softy. Eiddileg eyed her suspiciously in case it was a ploy to steal a cheeto or two. "Yeah, but guys, remember that there's that whole even better rule of thumb that Narrator is wrong," Leather Jacket reminded them. The team murmured in agreement. Suddenly, they heard a noise from a closet behind them. Graham, now fully alert thanks to the life-saving cheeto, took charge, like the commando he is, and opened the door. LJ peeked over at Graham's *ahem* beret and sighed contentedly. Antipodean popped out of the closet. "How did you get here? And with those two hotties?" Vanessa exclaimed. "I dunno, but I'm going with it." Antipodean headed back for the closet. "Oh no you don't," said Polgara. "If you're here, you're going to help. Extraneous hotties after the mission only." "Well that's a dumb rule," Antipodean muttered. "Fine, what's the scoop?" "Well, right now, we're trying to determine if MJH's mom is an evil mastermind or if we should blame Canada. The Canada thing was Narrator's idea. "Well, I didn't hear much of what was going on out here, cause I was a little busy with Sven and um, this other hottie here, but I did overheard MJH and her mum discussing orbs, laughing about soul-sucking spells, and that type of thing while they popped in video tapes." "Well, that's good enough for me," said TheKristen. "Closet Buffyholic in Absentia, give me your whip. It's torture time. They don't call us the torture team for nothing." OK, but you can't take my sassy boots." CB handed Kristen her the whip of doom. "I've got my own sassy boots, thank you very much." Kristen took the whip and headed off MJH and Paula as they tried to sneak away. "Ha! My mom can take you!" cried MJH. "Mom? Mom?" Paula Hart was nowhere to be found. MJH backed into the corner. "Guys? Um, I'm sure we can work this out." Kristen cracked the whip. "Hey guys!" she looked over at the team. "Cracking this whip is way fun! Anyone else want to try it?" Narrator says: Narrator looks with fear at her vocabulary-wielding sislet, Circe. She does not want to get between Circe and a chance to torture someone: "So, Circe, I guess you don't want to hear my theory about how having to work with the PBP Committee has worn down RTBS' defenses, rotted his brain and weakened his soul, huh?" "Guess not." Amberlynne says: MeeB says: Most of the Torture Team takes a giant steps back from Kristen and her whip. Cuz, you know, she's tall. And scary. But not Circe, whose growing affinity for torture was also starting to scare some of them. But before Circe can even take the whip from Kristen, MJH caves. "Stop! Stop! Not the whip! It might scar. And my youthful good looks are my cash cow," she tries to sob. Even in a genuinely terrifying moment, she can't summon authentic looking tears -- she's just that bad an actress. "I'll tell you. Everything." MeeB lets out a sigh of relief, while the rest of the Torture Team looks disappointed, especially Circe. Kristen reminds her that they are on a deadline here so they're not gonna look MeeB glares at MJH, "Tell us. What kind of Magical Mystical Orb did you use on RTBS." "It. . . . I used. . . . Well, it's a snow globe." "A what?!"" comes a chorus voices. "That's funny," Kristen laughs. "I thought you said"snow globe.'" MJH examines her feet sheepishly before continuing, "Well, you know, I only play a witch on TV. . ." "And a darned good one," Circe murmurs. Eiddileg shoots her a look of triumph. Circe sticks her tongue out at her. ". . . .so I don't really know anything about spells. This book Britney found said something about an Orb and I had this Big Tacky Snow Globe filled with pink confetti that the Big Wigs over at Disney gave me for some stupid . . . . " A gasp of horror rises from the group. "Of course!" MeeB cries. "Of course!" Narrator cries. "I don't get it," Cate wonders. "Have some cheetos," Eiddileg offers. MJH nods ruefully. "Yes, I used a Big Tacky Snow Globe of Disney Land as the Orb." "That's just wrong," Dalia offers. "On so many levels," Polgara agrees. "And yet," muses Closet Buffyholic in Absentia, "oddly appropriate. What with Britney being a Disney product and all. As well as Big Gay Lance and Da Boys." "But why RTBS?" MeeB wonders. Kristen swishes the whip around a bit and MJH caves once again. "Britney kept saying something about Disney being the first evil something or other and how she needs to ascend -- I'm not sure what. Maybe some stairs or something on her next video? I don't know. But she needed a minion to control and distract the do-gooders from stopping her ascending thingy. This RTBS guy was perfect. An all-around good guy -- I mena, he's from Iowa for crissakes! -- a government employee, someone with the good of the people first and foremost on his mind, even if he did like that Survivor show. Such a pure force corrupted provides great power for Britney." "We have to break her hold over him, before it's too late. Clocks a-tickin'!" Narrator, ever the lawyer, reminds them. "But what about the spell?" MeeB demands. "What kind of spell did you use with the Orb . . .er, Snow Globe?" MJH hems and haws for a bit until The Kristen cracks the whip one more time. "It'sasmallworld," MJH mumbles. "What?" "I didn't know any real spells -- just some silly rhyming stuff my writers give me -- so. . . I . . . used"It's a Small World,'" MJH says with great simplicity. "I just repeated it over and over while I shook the Snow Globe up and down. Worked like a charm. He crumbled like the freshly baked coffee cake I make my assistant bring me in bed every morning. From then on, it was easy for Britney to mold his mind." Vanessa gasps, "He was singing it!!" The others look at her, confused. "RTBS was singing that song the other day. *sob* It's like his own, true self was fighting through the brainwashing to give us a clue. *sniff* And we all just brushed it off!" The Team takes a moment to, you know, feel really bad about that. "Okay," MeeB declares, determined to make it up to Ruffy as quickly as possible. "We've got what we came for. Kristen tie up the witch and throw her in the back of the Hummer. We might need her to reverse the spell, even if she doesn't know what she's doing. We have to get this info back to DarkLady as quickly as we can!" Circe grabs the Evil Snow Globe off MJH's desk and follows the rest of the Team back to the parked Hummer. James waits behind the wheel, engine already running. no, not like that. . . sheesh! and Cate sitting next to him running her fingers through his hair. The gang piles in and immediately begins arguing over the best way back to the Bronze. . . . . Leather Jacket says: "I'm a little teapot, short and stout..." Graham sings, tilting his head from one side to another. Circe turned to glare at the military man. "Can't you do something to shut him up?" Eiddileg growls, "I thought the Cheeto put a stop to that nonesense." Narrator *BAP*s Eiddileg. "Cheetos don't last forever!" "When I get all steamed up..." LJ quickly presses his lips against Grahams ... for the good of the team, you understand, but Graham is still singing. Of course, the team can't make out the words, which is a blessing, but it's still annoying. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Closet Buffyholic in Absentia sobs! "I'm trying! This usually works." LJ explains. Then, in a brave and daring sacrifice, LJ rips the long sleeve off his own shirt and uses it to gag Graham. Graham safely silenced, the team continues dealing with MJH and her evil mother. Meanwhile, LJ notic es a strange goo on the chair. He examines it closely. "Ewww." "Looks like brain goo," MeeB says. "And where did you ever see brain goo?" Narrator *BAP*s. "Are you kidding?" MeeB answers. "The Bronze is littered with brain goo after every Roswell episode." Then, turning to LJ, she continues. "Scoop it up. We can probably get it back into Graham later. Now, can we get back to the actual story pleas e?" Amberlynne says: Amberlynne crawls out from behind the couch and sends a glare slayerdaddy's way. "We have to warn the MJH TT that there are 12 of Britney's minions to contend with when they return !" She rushes over and dives behind the bar to find a napkin to write on. "BEWARE THE TWELVE," she writes and shoves the napkin under the front door and rushes back behind the couch to continue chanting about not dancing to Britney ever again! Narrator says: "Uh, I have another question," Narrator piped in. People signed audibly. "I totally agree with an "evil orb" thing, but what if the Disney is another red herring up another wrong tree." MeeB glared. "No, really," Narrator added. "I mean there's another whole mystical orb thing we could be looking at." "We're done with the Canadian and PBP tangents," Closet Buffyholic in Absentia replied. Narrator continued. "There's no orb connection to Canada or the Committee. I meant Brisco County Jr.. There was a whole glowing orb thingy on that show. And it starred Bruce Campbell, who a lot of Bronzers want to be cast as Xander's uncle Rory. So ... it's related to the show." The rest of the MJHTT just stared. Finally, Leather Jacket spoke. "So, we're going to Circe says: Once again crammed into that damned Hummer, Circe informs Leather Jacket that Graham singing the teapot song made her alter ego spew cranberry juice all over her keyboard. *So* not covered by the warranty. She then pulls out a blow torch and fires it in MJH's direction. "Circe!" MeeB says, "She already caved. No need for torture!" Ignoring MeeB, Circe snarls at MJH "Five basic torture groups--blunt, sharp, hot, cold and loud - have a preference?" MeeB looks at N arrator and says worriedly, "This is not good. Circe seems to be channeling Faith! And we're on a deadline, here!" "Who cares!" Eiddileg retorts, "serves her right for bringing up the DC thing." Evil Willow says: Evil Willow comes back up from the basement. "Haven't you people dealt with the Pop Tart yet? Fun is all well and good, but a real danger to society like her needs to be dealt with." She looks a round and spots Britney still cowering in the corner after the fright Debbie Gibson gave her. "Do I have to do everything around here?" Turning to the Pop Tart she says, "It's back to the well with you." Evil Willow grabs Britney again by the neck and drags her to the well. She pulls the grate off, licks Britney's cheek and purrs "bye-bye!" And Britney goes sailing down, back into the contaminated muck of the well. Evil Willow turns a self-satisfied look to RTBS and snickers "Oops! I did it again!" MeeB says: From the front seat of the Hummer, squeezed in next to Cate, who refuses to get her damn fingers out of James' hair and is proving quite the distraction for the driver -- or would be if he was driving somewhere, which he's not because they don't know how to get there, MeeB *BAPs* Narrator. It's no easy task, mind you (much like reading that previous sentence), but she does. She reminds Narrator that communism is the red herring. "Jeez, hasn't anyone else here ever watched Clue?" She holds up her hand to stop Closet Buffyholic before she can speak, "Besides her? Anyway, it's obvious that Disney is fronting Britney's "ascension" as part of their ongoing efforts to drain the world of it's good taste and independent thought and form one giant commercial conglomerate of cheesy . . . stuff." Circe pulls a can of hairspray out of . . . nowhere. . . and crawls toward MJH in the back. "We so don't have time for this," Polgara states, obviously. Narrator *BAPs* Circe upside the head. "Snap out of it!" MeeB looks Circe straight in the eyes and whispers, menacingly, "If you don't sit down and behave at least until we get to the Bronze, where I'm sure they'll be plenty of a$$-whupping for you to do, I'm going . . . . to tell momlet keylim e on you." Circe says: But poor Circe is too far gone to hear MeeB. Leather Jacket comments that Slave2Faith's gonna love Circe's new persona. Circe continues to menace MJH, who begins to sing, "it's a small world." "That's *it!" Narrator screams, covering her ears. "Torture the bitca!" Circe smacks MJH with the can of hairspray(??), which only makes her sing louder. "So much for blunt," Circe snaps. "Let's switch to sharp!" and raises the snow globe to smash it. "Noooooooo!" MeeB screams. Safarigirl says: Safarigirl looks around the Bronze at all the witches materializing, in threes, next to Britney, lips twitching. "For Joss's sake, the girl can't even summon evil minions properly. Why not Huey, Dewey, and Louie while she's at it?" POP! Three scratchy-voiced, mischevious ducklings suddenly materialize in the Bronze. Safarigirl rolls her eyes. "This is really too much on a Friday morning. Really." With a gesture, she establishes a vice-grip of iron-willed Jedi mind control on the witches surrounding Britney. Now, no matter what she asks them to do, any attempt at magic will result in all the witches singing "Thank U" by Alanis Morrisette, over and over again. No magic will be done. Britney will have to ascend all on her lonesome - if she's got the brains to do it... The Torch Song Avatar, having had the glow restored to her cheeks by the timely intervention of an Aretha Franklin CD, advances menacingly on BS, who backs away in fear. "Oh come on, dear," Torchy coos. "I just want to give you some friendly advice." She slides an arm about Britney's quaking shoulders. "Advice?" Squeaks the Pop Tart. "Oh yes. For starters, you'd be MUCH prettier if you wiped off all that body glitter and started using real makeup. And the outfits? My dear! Simply outre! Come, let me take you shopping...we'll get you something suitable. Perhaps in a lovely shade of seafoam to bring out your eyes..." Ascension forgotten, Britney allows herself to be lured by the siren song of shopping. The TSA steers her gently towards the exit... MeeB says: psst! Circe! The hairspray was to use with the blowtorch. Did you learn nothing from Faith? Sheesh! James hits the gas on the Hummer, which sends Circe flying in one direction and the Snow Globe flying in another. Circe hits her head on the roof of the vehicle and falls unconscious into a seat. Polgara and Dalia tie her up. Meanwhile, the Snow Globe flies straight into Eiddileg's lap. "ooooh, pretty!" she giggles gleefully and begins shaking it up and down. In the back, MJH starts singing "It's a Small World" louder and Eiddileg's eyes begin to glaze over. Circe says: "for awhile." Circe finishes as James hits the gas & sends her flying into the roof. "ooooo, now I'm channeling Giles," she thinks just before she loses consciousness. When she wakes up, she has a strange desire for a tweed catsuit. But peering over the edge of the Hummer, she feels her dark urges returning. "Are we there yet?" she asks eagerly. "Almost," Narrator replies, backing away from her. Circe smiles evilly at Leather Jacket, "Yeah, I enjoyed kicking those doors in. Just like I'll enjoy drop-kicking someone's "small world singing" butt to the Magic Kingdom." MJH whimpers. Pssst, MeeB: actually she used the hairspray with a gas lighter. I went straight for the blowtorch. *eg* Circe says: The hummer comes to a screeching halt in front of the Bronze. Nice going James! Obviously Cate massaging his scalp must be helping the old brain cells? and other stuff. The MJH TT jumps out of the Hummer & runs toward the Bronze. "Hey!" Circe yells. "Somebody untie me, dangit!" Polgara runs back to the Hummer & unties Circe, quickly backing off a safe distance. Leather Jacket gathers the shreds of his shirt together & gestures toward the door. "Wanna have another go?" he asks Circe. Not having to be asked twice, she advances on the door and kicks it off the hinges. The TT team all enter the Bronze warily, not sure what state things will be in, cross posting being what it is. Circe looks around, an evil glint in her eye. "That was refreshing. But I'm feeling a little cold. What say we warm the place up?" Narrator tosses her a gas lighter to replace the blowtorch she left in the hummer. Circe smiles at MeeB & pulls out the can of hairspray. "Better?" she asks, then aims a blast at Britney, who is either in the well or out of the well, depending on where you look. Amberlynne says: Amberlynne pops up from her hiding place behind the couch and yells to Circe and the rest of the TT team "Look out for The Three! I mean, The Six...wait!! The Nine? Or is it The Twelve now? Umm...anyway, look out for all the Bitca's Witches!" and then she dives back behind the couch to continue her anti-Britney chanting. DarkLady says: The NSYNC boys, who have been busy luring unsuspecting Bronzers onto the dance floor and then hypnotizing them with FPA, see the Torch Song Avatar leading Britney towards the doors. As one they form up and start singing "Bye, Bye, Bye" for the 894th time. Britney's attention is torn back to the Bronze and she rushes back to join the boys on the dance floor. Dejected, the TSA walks back to the bar. shehawken pats her on the arm. "You almost had her." DarkLady is napping on the couch with Julian McMahon, unaware of the chaos in the Bronze, until little cats jump onto her lap. DL snoozes on, so andyourlittledogtoo approaches and starts licking her hand. Finally DL stirs. "Whahuh?" She opens her eyes and discovers Britney's summoned six other witches to help her. "Oh ****." DL pokes Julian awake. "Get up. We're in major trouble here." DL joins her fellow defenders at the bar. "Anyone have a brilliant plan?" belmont nods towards Britney's Coven, "I have a couple ideas. We need OzLady and Allyson." "We might need some more reinforcements," DL says. That ever-present cell phone if only they had these things in Sunnydale, a whole lotta lives would've been considerably longer rings a distant number at a far off university. Mere moments later, the doors to the Bronze swing open and LadyJack charges through them. She spots DL and rushes over. "I got here as fast as I could. What can I shoot?" She raises her new crossbow. "It's top of the line. Found it in an antique shop outside of Warwick. You can fire two arrows simultaneously." DL properly admires the new weapon and smiles. She turns to Slavey. "I don't think you two have met properly. LadyJack, this is Slave2Faith. And you two are about to become sisters in battle." DL goes over to the bar and unlocks her tranq gun from the case. She holsters it at her belt and checks to make sure the Green Destiny is safe with Slavey. Lovely Poet has the old crossbow again. The gals are ready for battle. Britney's new coven is gathered in one corner of the Bronze. RTBS is rushing back and forth waiting on all of them. Meanwhile the girls squabble about who gets what in their new world order. "London is mine!" Cher yells at Shannen Dougherty. "Is not!" "I'm very popular in Europe!" "Big deal!" Meanwhile over at the bar... OzLady slips across the Bronze and approaches Michelle Pfieffer. "Michelle? Oh please excuse me for bothering you, but I just wanted to tell you I've always been a big fan!" "Why thank you very much," Michelle replies graciously. Emboldened, OzLady pulls out her wallet. "I was wondering if I could show you a picture of my kids..." "Oooh, wanna see mine?" Michelle answers, diving for her purse. "One down," belmont whispers. Cher and Shannen Dougherty are still fighting when Allyson sneaks up behind the older woman. "Hey Cher! Remember THIS?" Allyson whips out some godawful concoction that Cher wore once back in the sixties. Neon green and bright orange swirls all over a skintight jumpsuit with bellbottom pants. Cher takes one look, beings shrieking in horror. Her most recent facelift comes apart and she flees the Bronze screaming. Safarigirl releases her Jedi mind hold on the rest and motions the Torch Song Avatar, who approaches Bette Midler and Kathy Najimy. "Excuse me, ladies? I was wondering if you'd be so kind as to grace us with a song?" Bette and Kathy jump up and race each other towards the stage, followed happily by the TSA. The three lovely ladies kick into a powerful rendition of "Woman Be Wise." devil appears from lurkdom and taps Susan Sarandon's shoulder. "Excuse me, but I think you might want to talk to these guys." She steers Susan towards the Waiting Room, where the SAG guys are still waiting to talk to Britney. Susan Sarandon sees their nametags and immediately starts shouting, "You oppressive b@$tards! you have no concern for the working actor! Lemme at 'em!" "But we're not- " the SAG leader shouts. devil closes the door as a melee ensues inside. Now Britney is alone with the "Charmed" girls and Sarah Jessica Parker. Holly Marie Combs looks at her tv sisters. "Um, what's happening here?" DL averts her eyes. She can't watch the next part. Julian McMahon approaches his costars. Alyssa Milano nearly chokes. "Julian? What are you doing here?" "Yeah, and where are your clothes?" Shannen adds. "Um, well, I was injured yesterday and..." he looks at DL, then back at the girls. "Oh," Holly says. "So this is where you've been sneaking off to during your lunch breaks, huh?" Alyssa scolds him. Julian smiles sheepishly. "Would you like to meet them?" Julian leads the "Charmed" girls over to the bar, where belmont, deadguy and shehawken reenact some Keystone Cops routine falling all over themselves and the women. DL pretends the blush in her face is not there and looks to the center of the Bronze. "And then there was one." Sarah Jessica Parker is alone with Britney. LadyJack jumps forward. "Let me shoot her? Please? Please?" Allyson, still flourishing Cher's old outfit at random bezoars, suddenly has a bright idea. "Hey, belmont, gimme that remote!" Allyson wrests the remote from belmont's hand and points it towards the tv. A fake broadcast comes up of...the Emmys. "And the Emmy for Best Actress in a Comedy goes to....." Sarah Jessica Parker begins to jump up and down, "oo oo oo!" "Kim Catrall!" "NOOOOOO!" SJP screams. "Not fair! Just because she takes her clothes off every week! That's not acting! I'm a serious actress! Waaaah!" She beings to sob incoherently. At this moment the Torture Team spills into the Bronze and takes in the wreckage. Pieces of the ceiling all over the floor. The grate from the Fount in pieces all over the place. The walls covered with pink and gold spray paint. Silicone dust everywhere. MeeB looks at DL, who shrugs. "We've been busy." MeeB says: The MJH Torture Team stumbles through the Bronze doors behind Circe and stop cold. Such carnage. Such horror. Such. . . . . pink? This is bad. Unfortunately, upon entering the Bronze and seeing the N Sync boys FPAing up a storm on the dance floor, the TT immediately loses Closet Buffyholic in Absentia and Eiddileg to the throng. Luckily, Eiddileg absently tosses the Evil Sno w Globe over her shoulder, and Narrator manages to catch it before it falls to the ground and shatters. While Circe sprays flame in random directions at various clones and Britneys and witches, oh my, MeeB, Kristen, Narrator and whomever else is with this Team at this point, join DarkLady and her crew at the bar. "Okay, we're here." MeeB begins. "We have the"Orb' which is really a Snow Globe -- don't ask, just go with it -- the spell was"It's a Small World,' Disney is somehow behind this, MJH is tied up in the Hummer if we need her, and is that Julian McM ahon standing half-dressed behind you?!"!" MeeB gapes and then turns an icy gaze on DarkLady. . . . . Evil Willow says: "What? Does this Pop Tart never stay put? It looks like I have to go all Angelus on her perky butt." Evil Willow rushes over to Britney, brushing the inneffective protestations of the enthralled RTBS off. She vamps out and embraces Britney sinking her fangs into her neck. Major slurpage ensues. Britney reaches out and grabs the nearest beer can and squashes it in a paroxysm of agony/ecstasy and finally passes out. Evil Willow drops her back down the well saying "It was good enough for Buffy, it should keep you unconcious for a good, long time". She wipes the blood off of her mouth, turning to DarkLady and Safarigirl, "What? What? There was no part of that that wasn't fun." Circe says: Circe's eyes are glazed over (probably from hairspray fumes)as she continues to shoot flames at various Pop infidels, witches and Huey, Duey and Louie. Unfortunately, Amberlynne chooses this moment to come out of hiding. "My hair!!!" she screams, as her tresses light up like Michael Jackson in a Pepsi (or was that Coke)commercial. Closet Buffyholic in Absentia rushes to the Hazmat closet for a fire extinguisher, quickly spraying Amberlynne's flaming hair. Of course, now she looks like Don King, but you can't have everything... Amberlynne says: Amberlynne cautiously approaches Narrator and the rest of the TT."Okay, I know I confessed to having the boogie feeling when it came to Britney but I have renounced her and said my penance so I can be trusted. Now, this is going to come as a shock but, I used to work for Disney." {pauses for dramatic effect} ."I know, I know. Hard to imagine. But true. It was, needless to say, very traumatic and I have blocked most of it out. Residual affects include being able to sing all the words to colors of the Wind from Pocahontas, but I digress and my therapist and I are working on that. I seem to remember something about the Baptist and their attempts to shut down the Evil Super Power that is Disney. They failed. So lets just say that protesting doesn?t work. As for the Orb, we were required to smash any that contained bubbles. Something about it messing with the globe-power. You may be able to reverse the spell if you can create a big enough air bubble inside the OrbGlobeThingie. I think removing some of the extra air from the evil Britney herself would do the trick. But that's just a suggestion." she adds as she finds a comfy spot to watch the action. Leather Jacket says: Narrator says: Narrator listens to Amberlynne confess her prior Disney cult membership. Narrator turns to DarkLady, "do you think we can trust her? Or should we kill her too, just to be on the safe side?" DarkLady says: DL looks back at MeeB and blinks innocently. "I sent James with you and you're upset about Julian? When you didn't even use James properly?" MeeB glowers and mutters something about "Cate" and "fingers." She then turns to Narrator. "You're just not going to be happy until you kill someone here are you?' Narrator shrugs. "Nope." DL sighs and turns her attention back to the business at hand, RESTORING RTBS' SOUL that was the point here folks "So...Britney and MJH used a Disney snow globe and sang "It's a Small World" over and over until they removed his soul?" "There have been cases of this kind among Disney theme park employees in the past," Amberlynne added. "Of course, no one was aware of the deeper evil at work." "You mean it wasn't Britney?" "Weeeellll," MeeB hedges, "Britney did this to RTBS. But we think Britney was urged into it by the Disney corporate masters." "OK, one thing at a time. How do we restore RTBS?" "Deprogrammers have had great luck using the opposite kind of music played really really loud to break through. See, RTBS' soul isn't gone, it's just buried itself as far away as possible to avoid the Disneyfication." Narrator explained. Circe looks at Narrator. "You really do watch The Learning Channel." DL "Fine, but what do we sing?" Polgara jumps up and down. "ooh ooh! I know I know!" "Alright, calm down. What?" "THE TIME WARP!" "!" Amberlynne says: Amberlynne pleads with Narrator and DarkLady... "Aw, come on! I warned you about the Witches and I am putting my life on the line by giving you this information. If the DisneyPTB find out I've spilled the OrbGlobe beans, I am a dead woman. They are very serious about this stuff. I once saw them suffocate a Cast Member with a Simba puppet just for admitting that she leaked video release date information. And she was Michael Eisner's step-niece! You gotta believe me!" she finishes her plea and waits patiently to find out if this is the end for her... I may die without ever knowing what happens on the new episode of Angel..*sniff* DarkLady says: "My fellow Bronzers there comes a time in the lives of men When in the course of human events we will not go quietly into the night we few, we happy few, we band of brothers ... "We are here to restore the soul of our beloved RTBS. This man, who coined the phrase 'I am in hell, and Britney Spears is the devil' has been turned into a pile of mushy Britney-whipped goo. If it can happen to him, it can happen to any of us. No one is safe. But if we can save this man, we can halt the tide of bubblegum pop and soulless art that has washed over this world. We can defy the corporate masters at Disney who have taken away nearly every good tv show ABC has ever had and replaced with drivel. For our sakes, for the sake of our descendants (if any), we embrace the darkness in every Bronzer's heart and home decor and just say NO!" "NO!" screams the Bronze. "RTBS is the Key. He is the normal, everyday, pure-souled American Consumer who has been suborned by corporate America. He is being used by Britney just as she is being used by the Disney corporation. The line must be drawn here. This has to end. Right here and now. We need the help of everyone to save RTBS. In a few short minutes, we're going to start playing a song. DON'T LET RTBS ESCAPE! He needs to hear every last bit of the song. Now, while Britney is down the well unconscious is the perfect time, before she can start her ascension. So all together! and-a-one-and-a-two..." Summoning all her remaining strength, DL attempts to turn the Bronze into the castle set from "Rocky Horror." But there's a pathetic fizzling sound and nothing happens. CharlieX appears at DL's side. "You're a little tired, my darling. Let me try." CX snaps his fingers and the Bronze is transformed into the castle. With a gentle kiss, CX disappears again as the music starts. "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!" Meanwhile, Underneath The Streets Of London says: Sherlock Holmes, the greatest mind the world has ever seen, has begun to dribble.... 'OmiGodOmiGodOmiGodOmiGod WE BROKE SHERLOCK HOLMES!!!' Wailed clarrie, rocking gently. 'What on earth made us think he could survive an attempt to apply LOGIC to a Bronze problem?' 'Dunno,' shrugged Holographic Amish Boy, 'Although should this ever come to court I'm going to claim you hypnotised me.' 'We've got to do something, otherwise...' Not-Catriona paused in shocked silence as a tinny sound began to filter through from the streets above, such as might be made by the preliminary efforts of an invasion force driving around in speaker vans. 'Do you Believe in life after love?' 'Gads!' clarrie, Not-Catriona and Holographic Amish Boy winced visibly, and wuffles sought safety beneath the now gigglingly unaware Holmes, 'No, it...It Can't be true...' After Love, After Love, After Love... The three sentient members of our noble quartet to say nothing of the dog blanched in terror........... Zarthrax says: In cooperation with DarkLady, Zarthrax digs deep into the bin he reserves for that music which is rarely listened to. "We couldn't play "God of Thunder"?", he complains/mutters. Amberlynne says: Amberlynne turns to look at Leather Jacket with tears in her eyes. You laughed at my jokes, you welcomed me to the Bronze with open arms and now you plot to betray me? *sob* I am so hurt. But not hurt enough to take my eyes off the yummy foursome about to...er...errupt. belmont: Bartender status duelly noted. Thanks for the welcome. How about a drink to ease my worry over my impending doom? ;) Amberlynne says: Amberlynne, singing Time Warp at the top of her lungs, Let's do the Time Warp again! whips our her Texas State Driver's License and Let's do the Time Warp again! shows it to belmont, proving that she is, in fact, old enough (25 to be exact). Evil Willow says: Evil Willow shrugs and says "Well, at least I'm properly dressed for this song." Circe says: Amberlynne hears Dunlin laughing and opens her pocket mirror to check the damage. Don(na)King stares back at her. She shrieks insanely. But hey, at least she *has* a reflection. Closet Buffyholic in Absentia, motions to Zarthrax, "Circe's not in her right (or left)mind. She seems to be channeling Faith. Must all be part of this orb/RTBS/Britney thing that's making everyone do the whacky. We have to reverse it! Listen to DarkLady..we need to sing The Time Warp." Circe just keeps muttering to herself, "Want. Take. Have." And then, a song begins in the Bronze.... MeeB says: While MeeB starting jumping to the left and taking steps to the right to the best of her ability, she pulls out her cell phone and makes a quick call. . . . As the Time Warp continues loudly and raucously, a few new people join the ranks of the Bronzers. . . Jeremy Piven and Paula Marshall show up together. Ready and willing to do all the harm to Already Been Cancelled's parent company that they can for canceling *sob* Cupid. That cute guy who starred in Strange World whose name MeeB keeps forgetting. . . he joins in, too. Eric Close -- who mostly hates CBS right now but who also suffered the hands of cancellation a few years back for that drama about his family in Montana or Wyoming or one of them there states in the upper midwest -- shows up and Monique charges over to welcome him and make sure he knows how to Time Warp properly and generally just drool over him. MeeB pulls her knees in tight. . . .and shows Leather Jacket the pelvic thrust. . . he watches and starts to get the hang of it. . . . As the song reaches it's loudest and most raucous, MeeB finds RTBS trying valiantly to get Britney out of the well and drags him toward Narrator, who's holding the Snow Globe high over her head, ready to smash it to bits and free Ruffy's poor tortured soul. . . . Vanessa says: "Am I supposed to be moving to the left or the right...."" major mischief says: little catsies scamper about busiily, tossing feather dusters and sequined hats at ppls in lieu of ribbons... DarkLady says: Slavey is keeping watch at the fringes to make sure nothing goes wrong, when her heart nearly stops. Eliza is dancing with wild abandon in the middle of the floor. *gulp* DL joins the line with the Torture Team and the rest of the Defenders as they jump and step... no one notices Britney starting to claw her way out of the well... please no one kill Britney...RTBS deserves that pleasure... Safarigirl says: Joining DarkLady onstage, suddenly dressed as characters from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Safarigirl and the Torch Song Avatar boisterously sing along... "LET'S - DO - TIME - WARP - AGAIN! Oh YEAH!" The Jedi Master and her songful creation thrash about to the music, in no way resembling the plastic choreography of La Spears, I'd like to point out. All over the room, Bronzers are getting into the spirit, shouting out the chorus of the loud music. And... And... AND... Can it be? Can it possibly be? Yes, yes, it is! Itisitisitis! RTBS's eyes are flickering slightly, and losing their glazed appearance... DevilsAdvocate says: DA shrugs to herself in the corner in which she has tucked herself after the well being taken over by Broccoli Britany Spears. Knowing that she'll mess up the dance steps, but at least knowing the tune (kinda)she jumps up to the dance floor to back up DL and the TT in "The Time Warp" For Meatloaf and Metalheads everywhere! Down with the Mouse!! Jack the One-Eyed Dog says: Jack the One-Eyed Dog opens his eye and watches all the people lining up to do the Time Warp. A small groan escapes him and he jumps under the bar, hiding from the cacophony. Narrator says: Narrator *BAPs* Leather Jacket. "I already figured out we should let Amberlynne think we believe her, and then, later, bump her off. It would have been such a fun surprise. But now you went and told her. *HARUMPH* So, no Leo/Josh Deshnell (sp?)for you!!!" And now, let's all do the TIME WARP. AGAIN!!: OzLady says: Piven is here!! Piven!! OzLady gently knocks Paula Marshall towards the bar and grabs Jeremy's hands and they begin slow dancing to the beautiful music they are making all on their own. Hey! I can get my own piece of this fantasy, can't I? *g* Zarthrax says: What noone seems to have taken into account, is how bad Zarthrax's dancing is! He starts out OK, but when he hits the pelvic thrust, he slips on someone's spilled drink! He windmills backward, trips over Britney's fingernails, which just made the top of the well! Zarthrax and Britney both go crashing to the bottom of the well! "Well, it just can't get any worse than this!", our brave musicman mutters(Hey, he drives a Citroen! If that ain't brave, I don't know what is!)Suddenly, The Evil One wakes and launches into her last mind-numbing hit, that "Oops.." song! In retaliation, Zarthrax starts playing "God of Thunder" (which he has stuck in his head)on air guitar! Will the music man survive mind numbing pop songs until someone rescues him? We'll see! Circe says: Circe blinks It's just a jump to the left Then a step to the right She looks around? Put your hands on your hips and bring your knees in tight "Then it's a pelvic thrust!" she yells, "that really drives you insane!" "Let's do the Time Warp AGAIN!" The gas lighter & hairspray fall from her hands, and she begins to dance the Time Warp alongside MeeB, Paula Marshall and Jeremy Piven. She motions to Leather Jacket & Graham (who has finally stopped singing that ridiculous song)to join them. Narrator says: Narrator sees RTBS approach and throws the Snow Globe/Evil Orb down at his feet in order to smash it and break the evil Canadian/PBPCommittee/Britney Spears Disney soul-stealing spell Dunlin says: Deftly fielding the blanket from Dualslayers, Dunlin drops the blanket back in the basket and gets into the spirit of things. She jumps on to the GLR couch and starts doing the Time Warp. Badly. The other GLRs on the Couch scootch sideways to give Dunlin some flailing room, eyeing her with trepidation. Luckily, no one gets kicked. Safarigirl says: Dancing by in a slip and feather boa... LET's Do the Time Warp Again! Moving in unison, Safari and Torchy jump to the left, step to the right....but it's the pelvic thrust that really makes them insa-a-a-a-annnne....especially 'cause it makes Safarigirl's pinched sciatic nerve act up...:)but they just keep on Time Warping.. OzLady says: OzLady looks behind her and sees the lovely Kameko standing behind her. She smiles at her friend and whispers, "Keep the memories in our brain so I can enjoy it, too!" She then gives Jeremy a small kiss on the cheek and leaves him to Kameko. She rejoins the wild grinding and gyrating of the Time Warp and really gets into shaking her groove thang! Lady of the Lake says: The Lady of the Lake lifts her head off the arm of the couch and in her oogy-induced Brenda Vacaro (sp?)voice croaks "Let's do the Time Warp again!" DarkLady says: MeeB that would be Peter Wingfield. Who's walking on his hands while little cats rest on his feet tossing toys to Bronzers... OzLady just keep dancin... Bounding into the Bronze castle are Josh Charles and Peter Krause (late of "Sports Night")along with the rest of their cast, the casts of "Homefront" and "My So Called Life"...all intent on bringing down the evil empire of the Mouse...while Eiddileg draws more transparencies of the Time Warp and ABC executives being chased by giant Cheetos... Narrator says: The combined efforts of the Time Warp, the defeat of Meg Freakin' Ryan, the defeat of the Witches of Eastwick, the defeat of the Witches of Charmed, the defeat of the Witches from that movie with Larry Bagby, the defeat of the Britney clones, the defeat of the RTBS clones, and whatever the hell it was they were doing in the UK part of the WITT, seems to be working. RTBS seems to be coming out of it. Narrator turns to Leather Jacket: "If this works, then I won't have to kill Amberlynne, right?" "Right." "And you won't have to sacrifice the SAG virgin, will you?" "No, I won't." < long pause > "Those are good things, why, Leather Jacket?" Zarthrax's Voice Echoing from the bottom of the well says: (Fri Jan 5 12:16:42 2001 9) Watch out guys! She's down here, and she's coming up there!Come back you BITCA!!! You have my shoe and I want it back! Still, *sigh*, In The Sewers Beneath London says: clarrie, Not-Catriona and Holographic Amish Boy took turns in skimming stones across, what they preffered to think of as, the watery surface. 'Doomed...' 'Doomed...' 'Doomed...' 'Nice Kitty.' Holmes clasped Wuffles to his chest, a beautific smile on his usually austere features. 'Who's a lovely ickle kitty then?' 'We are so,' sighed clarrie 'Freakin' doomed...' 'Question,' For what may turn out to be the final time, Holographic Amish Boy raised his hand politely, 'Does the music seem to have changed to any of you?' A gleam of hope sprung up in the eyes of the uk contingent, could it be? Could the music have made it's way across the globe so quickly? Funky new chords had replaced the venomous vocoder, um, venom.... 'Nearly drive you insa..a..a..a...ane, let's do the TIME WARP again...' RTBS Restoration Project: The Big Finish (?)says: The song ends. A weird blue light emanates from the shattered snowglobe and floats down.... ...the Bronze is back to its old self. Dim lights, dank corners, a notable lack of fake breasts and scraggly chin hair. NSYNC, Jessica Simpson and the rest disappear. Britney cries out in anger but RTBS blinks and shakes his head. He looks and sees Britney on the floor in a heap, wet, bleeding, and highly irate. "Oh my dear mistress, are you injured?" "Oh for heaven's sake!" Cosmic Bob approaches Ruffy and shows him a laptop with the infamous blue screen of death. RTBS goes rigid, then Cosmic Bob hits the restart key. "Oh for heaven's sake!" Cosmic Bob approaches Ruffy and shows him a laptop with the infamous blue screen of death. RTBS goes rigid, then Cosmic Bob hits the restart key. RTBS jerks awake. Again. He looks around at the Bronze. "Cosmic? DL? What happened?" "Ruffy!" the Bronze shouts and RTBS is charged by numerous friends hugging him and welcoming him home. "Wha? Huh? OK, what the hellmouth is going on?" RTBS shouts plaintively. MeeB pats Ruffy on the shoulder. "Let me explain. No, is too much, let me sum up: Britney brainwashed you into being her lowly minion. "There was?" Narrator asks, confuzzled. "Oh, wait. Wrong plotline." MeeB stops. Anyway," Vanessa chimes in, glaring at MeeB, "After a great amount of ogling hotties, playing with whips, swordfights, explosions in Milan, OH which we disavow all knowledge of, song and dance numbers and some sort of attempt to find Sherlock Holmes which no one really understands, you're back." RTBS still looks completely baffled. It's not every day an ordinary Iowa Boy finds out he was at the heart of a conspiracy for world domination. As he begins to make sense of it, hu mumbles, "Ruffy just pawn..in game of life..." Britney comes stomping up to the assembled crowd. Despite her ascension being foiled, Bronzers still jump out of her way. She Marches right up to DarkLady and shrieks in her face, "You did this! My world! My beautiful, All-Britney, all-the-time world is ruined because of YOU! Who would've thought a bad little girl like you could destroy my beautiful bubblegum&siliconeness!" RTBS looks at Britney, then at DL. "You saved me?" DL kicks a stone around with her shoe, blushing. "Well, I helped." RTBS takes DL's hand and presses it to his lips. "Thanks, my peanut butter princess." "No problem." DL grins. She turns to the defeated Britney. "I told you there was only room for one princess in his life." RTBS rounds on Britney, all the fury in the world on his face. He grabs her by the ear and drags her out of the Bronze, "You are in SO much trouble young lady!" Slavey puts her arm around DL's shoulders. (Eliza is hanging on Slavey's shoulders). "You did a good thing today. Will you need me anymore? Eliza wants to check out the Green Destiny." I didn't know you so well, I'd swear that was some kind of euphemism," DL grins. Slavey baps her and she and Eliza wander off. Charmed girls come by leading Julian. "We have to get back to the set." DL nods, then beckons Julian and whispers to him. He laughs softly, and then turns to MeeB. "Hey, you wanna come over to the set for a while and watch us me work?" MeeB practically runs off with Julian. Everyone's attention is caught by a voice from the corner. "You were too!" Graham yells at Leather Jacket. I did NOT look at Peter Krause's @$$." LJ shouts. I saw you!" Graham and LJ go off arguing... Narrator is standing crestfallen in the middle of the wreckage of the Bronze. "But...I didn't get to kill anyone!" "There's still the Roswell writers," Circe says consolingly. "oooh! yeah!" it never ends Zarthrax's Voice Redux says: Hellooo?" Sound system needs me to function? Me still at bottom of this pit, which might I add, The Evil One has redecorated? Pleeaassee! Get me outta here! I've already performed AC/DC's "Highway to H--- " sixteen times! Dunlin says: Dunlin's Time Warping is suddenly disturbed by a strange shaking effect on the GLR couch. Looking around, Dunlin realizes the Adribapper has jumped on the Couch, dancing away, in a much more coordinated style than Dunlin. Suddenly looking around in the Bronze, Dunlin realizes that there's no more need for the Time Warp, since the horrid bubblegum-pop decor has reverted back to the lovely dark comfy Bronze interior, and there's much hugging of RTBS and yelling. Dunlin stops the flailing and jumps down off of the GLR couch, pleased at having the excuse to dance. However, the moment after Dunlin has passed a mug of hot chocolate to Adri, the weevil Whup-monster climbs out of the ruins of the basement. Growling and dripping goo, it grabs Dunlin and yanks her out of the Bronze. "NOOOOOO!" yells Dunlin. "There was dancing! And h*tties! And Snow Globes! I don't wanna go..." Dunlin's voice trails off into the darkness. Leather Jacket says: LJ and Graham are outside the Bronze arguing. "Fine!" LJ says, "I looked at Peter Krause's @$$. He's got a nice @$$. But it's not nearly as hot or as firm as yours." "Really?" Graham smiles broadly, proving that yes, Graham can actually smile. "You like it?" "And his chest can't even approach yours for full-bodied beefiness. But that doesn't change the fact that he's a darn-cute h*ttie. But I'm here with you, aren't I?" Graham moves in closer and [edited for mature situations and boring mushy stuff]. Then, the two turn, and LJ leads Graham back into the Bronze. "I should have left a couple brain cells out when I had the chance." "I heard that!" Graham smacks LJ's posterior ... then smiles broadly. They return to the Bronze to see that Zarthrax is still in the well. LJ rolls his eyes and as he head into the HazMat Utility Closet, Graham reaches down to pull Zarthrax out. LJ returns to the well, climbs inside and with much scrubbing and squeegeeing and muttering and cursing (because the muttering and cursing helps with the reholification process)cleans out the contaminants in the Fount. LJ then climbs out, refills the Fount with water, and then sprinkling the sekrit herbs and spices (with salt and pepper to taste)LJ mutters the magic words that he does not know but can say anyway because, hey, it's magic, and the Fount is reholified. LJ then goes back to the HazMat utility closet to remove the dayglo orange jumpsuit. "Couldn't you leave it on, just this once?" Graham asks. Amberlynne says: Amberlynne, breathing a sigh of relief for she was not murdered while stick in a whup meeting, pats Narrator on the back. "Sorry you didn't get to kill me. Well, not really but..." Narrator just glares at her... "Um yeah. Well. Good job with the whole soul saving thing." Narrator still glaring... "Okaaaay..." amberlynne replys, backing away slowly. She plops down on a couch, raises her glass in salute to belmont, sends a glare in Leather Jacket's direction and then downs her Long Island ice tea. "Thank goodness I am still alive!" Beneath London's Sewers: Epilogue says: As the celebrations reign in the Bronze, in the sewers beneath London clarrie, Not-Catriona and Holographic Amish Boy turn their mind to the problem which no one seems to understand, because we're geniuses, and thus above the understanding of mortal minds... 'So, what exactly,' Holographic Amish Boy scratched his head, 'Are we going to do with him?' 'We could, um...' Not-Catriona paused, 'We're boned.' With a weary shrug clarrie dug her mobile phone out of her handbag, 'Catering ninjas?' 'Wil they mind?' Not-Catriona frowned in concern as the once great detective stared entranced at his own finger. 'How many of them live in that van anyhow?' 'They won't mind, he can be their buttmonkey.' But the van was already there, the silent and only occasionally mentioned catering ninjas had shifted up to make room for Sherlock Holmes, pausing for a moment to snigger at his hat, and driven off... 'Well,' clarrie rested her hands on her hips, 'That was pointless.' 'And confusing,' 'And stupid,' 'Well,' clarrie swung her knapsack over her back and begun to plod her way in the general direction of the Bronze, 'At least we were true to our essiential natures....' Destiny says: Destiny, who has stayed in the background recording the entire WITT episode, finally puts her pen down and orders a coffee from belmont. Sipping slowly, she waves at OzLady who seems to have had the time of her life doing the Time Warp. What I really want to see is all the Bronzers doing this in LA!!! *G* Then glances across the room and sees Kameko making memories. *G* Across the room Narrator is still glaring at Amberlynne with evil thoughts in mind. What *I* want to know, is what ever happened to the tied up SAG guy? Is LJ saving him for something special? Safarigirl says: Heaving a sigh of relief that RTBS has been restored and Britney is back in her rightful place as his slave, Safarigirl finds the renewed dark and drim what, I can't invent a word now and again? Bronze is suddenly spinning about her... *THUD!* and not in a good way. The Jedi Master opens blurry eyes to discern the Torch Song Avatar hovering anxiously over her. "Must have...tripped..." mumbles Safari "It was all the effort of using the Force almost continuously for the past three days, I expect," says Torchy soothingly. "Just rest." "Rest...yes...eat now you must, Yoda eats also..." Torchy looks at shehawken, on the fallen Jedi Master's other side. "This is bad, she's quoting the movie. We need a restorative." The place where waters meet is about to offer his suggestion when a warm male voice speaks from behind them. "May I help you?" The sound reaches Safarigirl, her eyelids flicker open, and immediately close again. "If I'm dreaming," she says with certainty, "I don't want to wake up." Riley kneels down next to the stunned Torch Song Avatar. "We'd better get her off the floor," he says, scooping Safarigirl into his arms. Hey, everyone else gets to play with their fantasies in this WITT, why not me? *g* (No, I don't have any idea what the lesson actually was, but it's over now. G'Night!) |
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| ~ Madness of the Past.... |  |