Naked Quidditch Match: 3
by Anya
Albus:
I am very concerned about Harry Potter's mental state with regard to the upcoming Quidditch Match.
As you are no doubt aware, the Weasley twins have managed to put a magical wager in place, one that they unfortunately lost. The end result, the entire Gryffindor team must play the upcoming match in the buff.
Understandably, their teammates are not impressed, but I do not think anyone anticipated the depth of Harry's revulsion at this idea. To be honest, I cannot blame the poor lad.
His fan club, of which I am having difficulty identifying the founding members, has set up a mass marketing scheme for a print run of calendars featuring Harry's... play at the upcoming game.
Albus... the boy has threatened to join forces with Voldemort unless something is done! Help!
- Minerva
Minerva, the bluff behind the school IS quite dangerous. Since the Forbidden Forrest is strictly forbidden, we may be able to invalidate the terms of the dare.
Besides, surely the Slytherin team will never agree to play there.
- Albus
Of course they're not going into the Forbidden Forest, you git! They're not playing IN the Bluff, they're dared to play starkers. Naked. Nude.
NOW do you see my problem?
Minerva
Oh my. Well. I think our first priority is to establish the President of Harry's fan club. If they're to profit off of the calendar, a certain percentage should be returned to the school, do you not think?
I shall make a request of all staff for the identity of the club president.
- Albus
Harry, the most alarming Mmail has been issued to me. I'm sharing this to you in confidence, son, as it's the least I can do.
Apparently, your fan club is planning to capture pictures from the upcoming game. I did not think this at all unusual until I found out the TERMS of the game.
Fred and George have certainly created a ruckus with this one, now haven't they?
Harry... there's no hope for the calendar, I'm afraid. McGonagall and Dumbledore have been unable to find the organizers or the methodology for how they will get the pictures. Obviously, cameras are strictly forbidden.
I've sent word to Sirius. This is the kind of thing that the Marauders are best suited for handling.
- Moony
It has come to my attention that my unauthorized fan club intends to produce and market my assets from the upcoming game.
Given the unlicensed aspect of this, plus the fact I am a minor, I feel it needful to point out that without my express consent, this is a form of assault. As such, I will have charges laid against anyone who owns a copy of this calendar, or aids in the production.
HOWEVER, given that this situation has already been blown completely out of control, my legal counsel has advised that should a proposal be made to me on my terms, I may license such an enterprise. At a profit to ME, people. You want your naked pictures, you can have them. But if I'm going to be splattered across Britain in all my natural glory then I want a cut.
- Harry
Harry, m'lad... that was ruddy brilliant. If you're going to be burned this bad, take it over and make it a statement in your favor.
Look, here's my take. You're not a bad looking boy, or Witch Weekly, Good Witchkeeping, and In Broomsticks wouldn't have you has the #1 eligible man in Britain. You consistently ousted Lockheart. (And I know what you think of that.)
Quidditch has built up your body. No, you're not as broad in the shoulder as that muggle Arnold, but you're enough to give a full grown man a few minutes thought before taking you on.
So. Here's my suggestion. In keeping with your ploy, let's get some professional shots done. I know a good photographer of high taste and great tact. Let's make this a media ploy IN your favor, rather than to humiliate you. Trust me, Harry, you can do this.
- Snuffles
Harry, I'm willing to bet you're freaking. I'm not one to do the testosterone display, but here's some words that may get you through this. A mantra, if you will.
"When you got it, flaunt it."
You've got the prowess in the game, you've got the admiration of the ladies, the respect of your peers, and I heard about that Mmail... 13.3 x 4.4, wasn't it? You can definitely take that to Gringotts!
- Remus
Tom, I've been thinking. Why should we be enemies? I've got the skills you're looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I won't do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner.
Whattaya think?
Harry Potter
Harry, I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I'm president of your fan club.
I'm ashamed to admit, that yes, we were planning to do a calendar, but... in recent seeing how much this is disturbing you, we're willing to scrap the project.
If we do scrap the project, will you at least make your unofficial fan club an official one?
Ginny
Potter! What do you THINK you're doing?! I want to see you immediately after class today!
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
13.3 centimeters? Are you kidding me? And you're worried about WHAT again?
Padfoot...
Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.
- Moony
How did you get my Mmail address, Potter?
That aside, I would rather see you dead than ever ally with you. Either you are my minion or my enemy.
L.V.
Ginny,
How COULD you? You know how I feel about celebrity. I didn't ask to be famous or want to be! I just want a normal life.
I won't authorize a fan club. BUT, before you go ballistic and vengeful, how about a compromise?
It's been pointed out to me that if I have to go down in flames, let them be flames of glory. I will agree to a calendar publication as long as:
a) They are professionally taken photographs
b) I have final approval; and
c) 25% of sales goes to a charity of my choice.
Agreed? Meet me tonight in the common room to discuss further.
Harry
Hold onto your hats, ladies. While we will not be an official fan club, Harry has agreed (with terms) to the production of the calendar.
That's right. We're getting our naked Harry after all. All 13.3 cm of him. (And as Lavender pointed out, that's an unexcited 13.3 cm!)
I met with Harry earlier this evening and we worked out some details. The photographer will be arranged by Harry and paid for by Harry.
Harry is asking that a 25% cut go to the St. Mungo's Victims Unit. I think that's very reasonable. He is also going to arrange to undercut production charges and legal fees for marketing.
Is this man a prince or what?
- Ginny
Listen, Oliver, this may sound nuts, but... I've got a plan.
Since the calendar can't be stopped, I'm making it into a charity thing. And, I'm arranging for professional photos.
What's this got to do with you? This. You're being mobbed by YOUR fans, right? While I won't pose WITH you, if you're gutsy enough to do this we can increase revenues (which are going to St. Mungo's Victims Unit) and make us look less like victims, and more like celebrities in control of the situation.
What do you think?
- Harry
You're completely stark raving nutters. You know that, right? That said, it's a ruddy brilliant plan. My dignity is gone, so why not make the descent into madness look planned?
I'm in. And, taking a wild guess at what you're going at, I've sent feelers out to other 'young studs' of the Quidditch Leagues. Krum's in too, if you're interested.
- Ollie
"The Bigger Staff"
Gentlemen:
Welcome aboard. I've arranged for photographer, Ms. Sally Mann. A very controversial American photographer/artist that has been highly recommended to me by Charlie Weasley.
The school has consented to allow us to use the grounds. At no charge, given the charity nature of the project.
If possible, I'd like to get the photos done before this bloody Quidditch match that I have to deal with. I want the market saturated with this product BEFORE the game as a distraction tactic.
How's Wednesday for you gents?
- Harry
P.S. Bigger Staff? *snort* Sorry, Ollie, we shared a locker room for too many years for THAT to wash. You're good. But you're not THAT good.
Quite okay, Old Chap.
I'll just take over.
- HP
Ladies and Bastards,
I want you to be aware of some of my recent... business ventures. First, my unofficial fan club plans for the calendar. You will be pleased to know that no photographs will be taken during the game.
All of the especially charmed Omnioculars (charm TM of my good friend Hermione Granger) have been given into my custody.
Secondly, a professional photographer will be visiting the school on Wednesday, and I have reluctantly agreed to go this route. Joining me for this calendar, although not at the same time or on the same page, necessarily, will be Oliver Wood (I'll pause for your gasps) and Victor Krum.
I realize that the Unholy Duo will be racing off at the mouth with this news, and I should forewarn them... I've already informed the Prophet, plugging the charity aspect of this venture.
25% of the proceeds for sale of the bloody calendar will be going to St. Mungo's Victims Unit.
I may have to go out there starkers, and I may have to put up with the slurs of the Slytherins and the giggles of my peers for the next two years, but by damn I'll have this mess enhance my reputation and not humiliate me.
As a good friend pointed out, "When you got it, flaunt it."
Ladies, with unabashed candor: You've got it.
Bastards, we're gonna make you look BAD.
And lastly, I have heard the rumors of an alliance between Voldemort and myself. I realize that I made the threat first. Be assured, there will NEVER be an alliance between Voldemort and I.
The Seeker
Harry, I've been thinking, can this photographer create an allusion to nudity without the full monty?
- Ginny
Why, Ginny...
Don't you want my full monty anymore?
Harry
Only if it's for a private showing. Very private.
HARRY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING MAKING A PASS AT MY SISTER LIKE THAT?!
There will be no showings, private or otherwise, exclusive or whatnot of any Monty to my sister!
And Ginny... watch your language, or I'm telling Mum!
- Ron
Dear Ron:
First, what are you doing snooping through Harry's sent files and trash? The Mmails I send, or he sends me are none of your business.
Second, regarding the CALENDAR, Mum knows about it. I told her myself like I promised Harry. And, she said it was very ingenious, but I should have taken Harry's feelings into consideration.
So, stuff it. And by the way, look up the word montage. You know, the library isn't an evil place.
Your vengeful little sister,
Ginny
Are you threatening ME?
-LV
Why, yes! Now that you ask.
Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
- Harry
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
Ginny, the Daily Prophet said Harry, Oliver Wood and Viktor Crum are ALL posing for the Calendar. Apparently, the photographer is a top-notch American woman and the shoot is to be sometime this week on Hogwarts grounds.
Do you know any more? Will we be able to WATCH the photo sessions? Just to ensure accuracy, mind you. Even if Harry has said he's generously proportioned, wouldn't you like to validate that?
Sassy
Hermione, I'd go ask Ron, but my big brother is over-sensitive about this subject. Do you know where they are doing the photos or how security is going to be done? I'm not asking to get a sneak-advance peak, but... well, that *would* be nice... still, I'm more concerned that Hogwarts Femmes will try and swarm the photo area.
Somehow, I don't think Harry will ever forgive me if that happens, and I really quite frankly DON'T want any other woman fondling his bits.
- Ginny
GINNY! Do you MIND? That's one of my best friends you're mentally molesting! I feel quite rightly nauseous!
HG
Excuse me, oh she who snuck pictures of my own brother in the buff? No matter, I'll just go talk with Ron...
G
Gin,
I'm dying here. Do stop. The photo shoot is Wednesday. Dumbledore and Flitwick are providing charms to shield the area, and Sally is using a very special professional camera.
If you want to come to the shoot, that's fine. There are charms being placed on Ollie, Viktor and myself so that only the camera sees us... err... you know.
Your brother is coming down with three dragons, we're doing a shot of "Quidditch" with us riding dragons. (Don't ask. Please? Apparently, it's a campaign for the more-humane-treatment-of-fantastic-beasts.) The dragons are enough of a spectacle to keep people's eyes off of my chums, and me don't you think?
And please, don't go spreading that news to my UNauthorized fan club. And Hermione? You're the one with the pics of Ron? You do know it's driving him UTTERLY insane to figure out, right? I mean, rightly nutters! What were you thinking?
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
I am NOT discussing this with either of you. And if EITHER of you tell Ron, I'll make sure he knows about the full content of your discussion two nights past.
- Hermione
My, my... hostile aren't you? Go ahead, tell Ron. I wonder what will distress him more, the candid nature of Ginny and my conversation about the calendar, or your subversive acquisition of a series of nude photos of HIM.
I'm given, from my sources, to understand such pictures were obtained from the men's locker room. That means you used MY invisibility cloak. And, if others were to find out, well... the outrage would know no bounds, Ms. Prefect!
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
I think I utterly love you... that was sheer genius! As for the photo shoot, I wouldn't miss it for the world. I do appreciate the spells being cast and will respectfully keep my distance. Do you suppose I'd be able to talk to Ms. Mann? I'd love to learn more about photography... without actually touching or looking through her camera, you understand.
Ginny
That's blackmail Potter!
Does look that way, doesn't it?
Kiss, kiss.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
*lol* I'll talk to my friend who put me in touch with Sally. Perhaps after we guys are... done... and properly attired again you can have time to interview with her. The pictures will be ready almost immediately, and as I said, I get first right of refusal for the calendar layout.
Has the rest of the design been done?
- Harry
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
Err, Harry... listen, mate... you're scaring us. And why is Ginny grinning at us every time she sees us?
F&G
Ginny's on the inside track. As for your fears: I've only just begun.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
What do you mean you "Mocked Voldemort"? Doesn't everyone?
Gin
No, I actually "mocked" Voldemort.
Hey, Gin... how would you feel about being my right hand when I conquer Voldemort and take over the Death Eaters? Create a new regime of utter evil. You're a Weasley, you've proven to be devious and ingenious... and you have past history in this area.
Whattaya think?
As for the mocking:
"I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
Harry! You DIDN'T?!
- Ginny
I did. Why? What's the worst he can do? Jump up and down shrieking, "Kill him! Kill him!"?
- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
Malfoy!
KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
Your Lord & Master,
Voldemort
Good point. Here's a thought... want to have a series of T-Shirts or robes made up with the "I Tink I Taw" emblazoned on the back? It'd send Moldiemort through the roof!
- Ginny
I think I love you.
Who do you have that can pull such a project off?
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
With our sister? She's just come to us with an offer. If we produce a series of robes that shimmer the following phrase:
"I Tink I Taw a Bid Bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I DiD Tee a Bid Bad Moldiemort"
And if we do it at our cost, it will reduce the vengeance we're currently experiencing. Err, Harry, that shrinking potion will wear off in a week, right?
- G&F
You are SO good.
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
Ginny and I are launching a very lucrative business relationship. And, as for the shrinking spell, that depends ENTIRELY on you two.
- HP
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
How many do you want?
Traitor.
Your Brothers
You give me 25,000 units by week's end, with a reserve for another 25,000 after the next match, and I'll provide you with the antidote to your "little" problem.
- Ginny
Our sister is in cahoots with Potter. Downside: We have to produce some robes that openly make fun of Voldemort. We're still hoping we can make some sort of profit off this deal (WWW).
Upside, the sooner we produce 25,000 units the sooner our masculine glory is restored to us. So, stop researching potions, and get ready to sew, man.
US Not THEM
What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?
- Voldemort
Chapter 4
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